Please move along. There’s nothing to see here

It’s hard to know exactly who “Parental Guidance” was made for.

With a script that relies heavily on gags about vomiting, urinating and defecating — and that includes not only a crack about “melons” as a euphemism for breasts, but a shot of Billy Crystal getting hit in the crotch with a baseball bat — this generation-gap comedy about grandparents taking care of bratty grandchildren seems like it’s not just made for children, but written by one.

On the other hand, stale jokes about sciatica and the cluelessness of the elderly when it comes to tweeting and other forms of modern technology seem like they popped out of the VCR in the old folks’ home.

The answer is that the movie is perfect for families. Assuming, of course, that: a) your family has traveled in time from 1995, when most of the jokes in the movie were first written; b) you have absolutely nothing better to do; and c) you have no taste whatsoever.

“Parental Guidance” is aggressively dull, as if the people who made it actually want to put you to sleep and then steal your wallet. (Check your pants before you leave the theater.)

Yuppie parents (Marisa Tomei and Tom Everett Scott) leave their brood of three spoiled crumb-snatchers with the grandparents (Billy Crystal and Bette Midler).

That’s followed by disasters involving cake frosting and apoplectic mugging, followed by scenes of saccharine reconciliation so insincere they make Crystal’s dye job and Midler’s facelift look natural.

The normally wonderful Tomei acts, with broad cartoonishness, as though she has wandered off the set of a Nickelodeon sitcom.

The three juvenile actors behave more like animatronic figures. And Midler and Crystal (who also produced the film) are mired in a tar pit of schtick, like Borscht Belt dinosaurs.

Little more remains to be said about “Parental Guidance,” except this caution: No one should be allowed in the theater, even with the accompaniment of a parent or adult guardian.

More in Life

Beer and cupcakes: Snohomish brewer, baker form unlikely duo

Pacific Northwest Cupcakes uses SnoTown’s brews to make beer-infused sweet treats.

The art and science of weathervanes

They told the direction of the wind and aided in forecasting the, well, weather.

Hundreds of ways to pamper your home and yourself

Find fancy fridges to sparkling jewelry under one roof at home and gift shows in Everett.

This is exactly how a cleaning expert organizes her space in 20 minutes

Try these realistic and attainable tricks to land yourself a cleaner home.

Snohomish brewer flavors beer with chilies from mom’s back yard

Beer of the Week: Smoked rye forms sturdy foundation for SnoTown’s well-balanced Loose Rooster.

Fall is just another blooming season

October can be a time of spectacular colors in your garden.

Woodward Canyon Winery continues to weave masterpieces

Owner Rick Small uses grapes from vines he used when he made wine in his back yard in the 1970s.

Great Plant Pick: Physocarpus opulifolius ‘Diabolo,’ purple-leaf ninebark

Grow it with shrub roses and perennials, and it combines with with ornamental grasses.

Beer, wine, spirits: Snohomish County booze calendar

Dash to Diamond Knot: Flying Unicorn Racing is teaming up with Mukilteo’s… Continue reading

Most Read