All the news worth a climb

Since April Fools Day fell on a Sunday, the official holiday is observed today, so pranks can be played at the workplace and school. Kidding! Let’s fool around … with the headlines:

•”News junkie scales skyscraper to get a copy of the NY Times”: That definitely sounds like “April Fools!” but it’s a true story. The man was spotted outside the fifth floor of the 52-story building and was arrested when he came back down. He told police he made the climb because he wanted a copy of the newspaper.

While the story naturally warms our hearts — people will do anything to get their newspaper — we can see where others might interpret climbing a skyscaper to get a paper as crazy. Hence his transport to Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric evaluation. From there perhaps Newspaper Man can write a letter to the editor to explain his superhero need for news.

•”101-year-old great-grandma paraglides to world record”: Oh, sure, everyone cheers on the Utah woman — great-great grandmother Mary Hardison — for her feat now recognized by Guinness World Records. But if she had said she was bravely paragliding into town to pick up a copy of the Salt Lake Tribune, suddenly everyone would question her sanity.

Pint-sized former Mr. Universe turns 100 in India”: Look out, great-great grandmother Hardison, Manohar Aich, Mr. Universe of 1952, might be gunning for your paragliding title.

Aggressive parents force egg hunt cancellation”: That’s a real story, no fooling. Parents in Colorado Springs, Colo., ruined things for everyone when they jumped the ropes marking the boundaries of the children-only hunt last year, in order to make sure their kids scored some Easter eggs and “didn’t fail” at the competition. So the event was canceled this year.

Too bad they just couldn’t ban the parents, since kids that age are quite inclined to share and help each other, if given the chance.

•”Brain is laid out like the streets of Manhattan, new images show”: Does this explain why so many good brains can go little bit batty after spending a term or two in Washington, D.C., with its not-as-tidy radial grid system?

Billions of alien habitable planets, right here in our galaxy”: Can we fix the mortgage mess here in the U.S. first?

Here’s what Tiger Woods will wear at the Masters”: You mean, now that he’s won a tournament and has some momentum heading into the Masters, he can finally wear something other than a penance hair shirt or scarlet letter?

Sand flea robot leaps over one-story buildings in a single bound”: Why? To go get its morning newspaper, of course!