By Carol MacPherson
From the pet owners’ anthem: “And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,/Gave proof through the night that our dog was still there, cowering in the bathroom.” Let’s light some quiet Black Snakes, or Glow Worms, and ooh and ahh at the headlines:
“Marshawn Lynch will bare it all in ESPN Magazine’s Body Issue”: Really? Is that known as the Bare Beast Mode? Bare, as in not even a Skittles fig leaf? Oooh.
“Commute blues: Woman sues employer over anxious driving”: Proof that the frivolous lawsuit is alive and well in our legal system. A New Jersey woman who told her employer that busy roads worsen her anxiety filed a lawsuit after the company refused to change her schedule to avoid rush-hour traffic. She reportedly requested a work shift “by which she could come in after morning rush hour and leave prior to evening rush hour.”
The woman was fired at some point, which she claims was retaliation for efforts to address workplace bias. Good grief. Good thing she went straight for the lawsuit. Certainly it would never make sense to: Change jobs, finding one closer to home. Or one that will send a limo to pick you up every day. Or simply work from home. Or — but no doubt it’s too anxiety provoking — take public transportation, which is bountiful on the East Coast, and eliminate the driving altogether.
But nope, for some reason, (cha-ching!) it makes more sense to go ahead and file a lawsuit, which is so soothing, not anxiety-producing at all.
“Federal appeals court: Utah can’t ban gay marriage”: It can only ban polygamous gay marriages.
“Report: Children possibly getting too many nutrients from cereal”: On the other hand, they also get too much sugar and sodium from cereal, so, you know, it all balances out.
“Live: Google unveils Android experiences for home, car”; “Tech Five: Google diving deeper into TV”; “New Google Glass chief Ivy Ross not your typical techie”; “Google sees bright future in wearable devices”; and “New at Google I/O: More women”: These are the top headlines from USA Today Wednesday’s Tech section. Only three “top” technology stories were not about Google.
The Google articles were not “sponsored content,” which used to be known as advertising; they are “news” articles, which, however, might as well be advertising. More advertising than anyone, except Google and other giants, could ever afford. Unless USA Today has made a secret deal with Google to keep the paper afloat, its 24/7-Google coverage seems weirdly, overly comprehensive.
“Disco clam’s party tricks revealed by scientists”: They create their own strobe-light effect, snort plankton in the bathroom, and play the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack on repeat, leading scientists to call them Ctenoides ales Studio Fifty-Fourous.
“Strange photos: Getting naked with fish”: Sorry, but what happens at the Clam Disco doesn’t stay at the Clam Disco.
Be mysterious and keep your party tricks a secret. Also, Keep clam and disco on.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; firstname.lastname@example.org.