Bridging the gap between lawmakers and cockroaches

A bridge not far enough: State and federal officials are considering a temporary fix to span the Skagit River at Mount Vernon after Thursday’s collapse of I-5’s four-lane bridge. Built in 1955, the bridge was classified by the state as “functionally obsolete.”

Our Bureaucratese-to-English Dictionary defines “functionally obsolete” as “can be taken out by a truck with an oversize load.”

What about the gap between their ears? State lawmakers who have their portraits taken every two years for use online and in publications have been requesting a little Photoshop retouching to mask wrinkles, erase blemishes and even close a gap between teeth.

Recognizing the looming cost of replacing the I-5 bridge over the Skagit River, legislators — rather than paying the estimated $15 million to replace it — proposed touching up a photo of it to close the gap between Mount Vernon and Burlington.

Vacancy at the Roach Motel: Research has discovered that the lowly cockroach has evolved in a matter of decades to consider the glucose-sweetened bait in traps as bitter. Sweetened traps are no longer luring roaches to their deaths as they had 20 years ago.

Checking the Cockroach-to-English Dictionary, “human intellect” is now defined as “functionally obsolete.”

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