By Carol MacPherson
Do you march to the beat of a different drummer? Or march in lockstep? Let’s give the headlines their marching orders.
•”Dennis Rodman is North Korean leader’s ‘friend for life’”: They finally found each other. That’s beautiful. Now what will be the name of their reality TV show? “The Worm and Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have”? (Kim Jong Un has so many titles, the name of the show could change every week.)
”Sergey Brin: Smartphones are ‘emasculating’”: The Google co-founder wants something a little more macho, so he’s decided to strap an old phone booth to his back. (Unless he was talking about something else altogether, in which case men are advised to wear boxers and not to keep their cell phones in their pants pocket.)
”Pocket dialing calls police to Oregon drug deal”: Yes, just to make Sergey Brin feel justified, the call came from a woman’s feminine, gabby, gossipy phone.
”New Greek yogurt is just for men”: It’s a more manly yogurt, not that emasculating Jamie Lee Curtis chicks’ kind.
”Mountain Dew introduces a breakfast drink”: It’s called “Kickstart,” but the true macho among us just go ahead and drink the Mountain Dew for breakfast.
”Krispy Kreme’s unlikely comeback”: Unlikely? Duh. Don’t ever, ever bet against donuts.
”Red Lobster and Olive Garden cook up a mess”: But do bet against desperate menu changes, such as Red Lobster’s recent advertising of new items, featuring among other things, pork chops.
”Official: Icelandic meat pies … have no meat”: This was discovered after the testing of foodstuffs following the news of that horsemeat had been found in beef products. Turns out, to a person, Icelanders had no problem with their meatless pies.
”Feds: Meth found in chicken buckets in Ariz.”: This was a smuggling attempt, not a secret ingredient or desperate menu change. Still, it can’t hurt when ordering to specify the original recipe meatless, methless pot pie.
”Whisky spill at UK plant sends Scotch into sewer”: Yes, there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.
”’Girls Gone Wild’ goes bankrupt to dodge legal awards”: Sorry, but this is obligatory: So, that’s to say they lost their shirts?
“The terrifying 25 foot long prehistoric shark with a ‘spiral’ of teeth that worked like a chainsaw”: So that’s where those seashore wood sculptures came from. A prehistoric Pemco commercial found on a cave wall reads: “Seaside chainsaw woodcarver shark, you’re one of us.”
”10 vintage girls names you don’t hear anymore”: A couple are hard to understand why they are on the list, such as “Joyce” and “Madeline.” Others are little easier to guess as to why people would not saddle their daughter with them, such as “Leona.” Which is what one person, Leona Helmsley can do to a name. “Roseanne” is also on the list. Hmm. Are we sensing a trend here?
”Smart cane gives oldies of the future directions, health information”: Oldies of the future? Tell that smart-aleck cane to go jump in a prehistoric ocean with a chainsaw shark.
”Departing Pope Benedict’s daily activities shrouded in mystery”: Really? The pope, 85, is retiring because he is exhausted. Taking a nap generally isn’t shrouded in too much mystery. But conspiracy theorists can always check the history on his smart cane.
”New pope must rebrand church”: Really? Like New Coke?
”Stretchable batteries are here! Power to the bendy electronics”: As a societal side benefit, putting batteries in a sock will no longer create a lethal weapon, but a fun one.
”Telepathic rats communicate via computer”: “Don’t do too much at once. Dole out your advances in increments and they’ll keep rewarding us with the good cheese” one rat messaged to the other.
”Cops try to get man in Magnolia tree to come down:” Instead of coming down, the man began removing his clothes and tying them to the tree branches. So the police sent up its elite squirrel unit.
Give yourself a modest, North Korean type title this week, such as Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com