Candy-fed cows like soda

We’re headed into the final innings of the campaign. Take your much-deserved seventh-inning stretch while we take some hacks at the headlines:

•”Cows eating candy? Farmers get creative”: Mmm. Chocolate milk is the best. But “pre-soured” pints from cows fed Sour Patch Kids were a flop. And “Snickers-fed beef” turns out to be a bit chewy.

Coke, Pepsi join war on obesity: ‘Calories Count’”: “Select” vending machines will list the sodas’ calories. This move, however, is counted with the news: “End of the line for returnable Coca-Cola bottle” — that’s the 6.5 ounce little bottle; and “Soda industry sues to stop a sales ban on big drinks.”

Perhaps New York is overstepping with the ban. Perhaps not. Let the lawsuit decide. It would seem overboard if the police could stop you on the street and frisk you, looking for big sodas. Oh, wait. They can stop and frisk you if you look “suspicious.”

And you just know the big soda black market is going to be huge. This would naturally lead to the new TV show, “Law &Order: Special Soda Unit.”

•”Bright object on Mars is likely plastic from rover”: There we go. Achieving American immortality on Mars.

Halliday will start at QB for Cougars against Cal”: Here’s Washington State’s football coach and master motivator Mike Leach on why some seniors aren’t playing: “Some of them, quite honestly, have an empty corpse quality,” Leach said. “That’s not pleasant to say or pleasant to think about, but that’s a fact. That’s why it’s been necessary for us to have the youth moment that we’ve had.”

Others say it’s a matter of perspective: The corpses have a half-full quality.

•”Lance Armstrong had little choice but to dope”: Because everyone was doing it, the author argues. It was either dope, or don’t stand a chance. (So Armstrong became the best doper ever. And a good avoider of drug tests.)

Since everyone was doing it, and many, many later confessing to it, Armstrong is now free to be honest about his use. Then he can write that (as-told-to) juicy, tell-all book. Donating the proceeds to cancer research could redeem him.

•”Troy Aikman says home fans never gave Cowboys a lift”: The former Dallas quarterback said he never felt like the team had home-field advantage due to the divided loyalties of the fans in the stands.

That phenomenon can be seen when the Mariners play the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. It’s what can happen when your mid-major metropolitan areas are full of people who come from somewhere else. Speaking of which:

•”Kennewick Man was from the coast, scientist says”: Consequently, the much-coveted big guy will now be known as Hoquiam Man.

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