By Carol MacPherson
Ah, sunny June arrives like a long lost friend. Group hug! Let’s warm up with the headlines.
“School alters girls’ yearbook photos to cover bare skin, is not sorry”: Several female students at Wasatch High School in Heber City, Utah, opened their yearbooks to find that their photos were digitally altered, with sleeves and higher necklines drawn on to cover bare skin, so as to conform with the school’s modesty standards and dress code. Oh my heck!
The before and after pictures are testimony to the ridiculousness of covering up a tiny bit of shoulder that no one would notice, unless one’s religion (or public school) mandated that one’s shoulders be covered.
Utah is big on the right to bear arms, but equally serious about its obligation to cover bare arms and enforce other “morality” rules. Speaking from four years of experience, life really is different in our country’s lone theocracy. (Have you ever had a “margarita” served with sugar on the rim of the glass, instead of salt?)
“Desperate Atletico seeks horse therapy for Costa”: This isn’t the traditional ride-a-horse therapy that a Brazilian soccer team sought for its top goal scorer, but rather a “miracle” treatment in which “fluid derived from horse placenta is used to repair damaged cells.” Desperate, indeed.
The miracle worker is Marijana Kovacevic, a pharmacologist in Belgrade, who rubs, not injects, some of the special horse placenta elixir on the injured area and waits for the placebo effect to kick in. The unethical Serbian healer sure missed her chance for more obvious, less icky calling: Why mess around with horse placenta, for crying out loud, when your name is Dr. Marijana?
“Census: Seattle is the fastest-growing big city in the U.S.”: And Denver is right behind Seattle. Hmm. How many newcomers are named Professor Marijana?
“Donovan breaks MLS goals record”: Gosh, good thing Landon Donovan was cut from the U.S. World Cup Team … so he could go home and score his 135th and 136th regular-season goals for the L.A. Galaxy, breaking the league record.
“Hear what advice Jim Carrey has for college graduates”: Really, no student protesters objecting to the star of “Dumb and Dumber” speaking to them at graduation?
“Dick Cheney: Obama’s decision on Afghanistan is ‘stupid’?”: Leave it to Dick Cheney to receive the amazing gift of a heart transplant, and not take on any of the qualities of the generous organ donor, but rather retain his own brand of anger. It’s Cheney’s choice if he wants to spend his new lease on life criticizing Obama, but knowing that doing so with such vitriol can increase the risk of a heart attack … seems, uh, “stupid.”
“Ancient curse on Utah park is real, say visitors”: People who take a piece of wood from the Escalante Petrified Forest State Park find that it brings them a lot of bad luck and they often end up sending it back. This type of phenomena is best explained in the 1972 Brady Bunch documentary, “Hawaii Bound”, wherein Bobby finds a “small tiki idol” on Oahu, and the bad luck commences. (No, they do not run into a young Barack Obama and his so-called “Choom gang.”)
Anyway, when returning a piece of petrified wood back to Utah, don’t forget to dress it in a sweater.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org