Do some (legal) cartwheels for your pops today

Cheers! It’s Dad’s Day. OK, enough emoting already. Let’s take a no-nonsense look at the headlines. (OK, some nonsense.):

Phoenix woman can’t cartwheel at meetings:”: But former cheerleader Diane Barker, 65, has clearly shown she can cartwheel at public meetings. Hence the “problem.”

An attorney for the Maricopa Association of Governments sent a letter to Barker last month stating that she must “immediately cease performing cartwheels” because the cartwheels are disruptive and a public safety liability. Yes, it could be very dangerous to disrupt the association of governments meetings. Somebody might wake up.

Since the cease-and-desist letter was so specific, here’s hoping Barker is currently working on her back flip.

Study: Human face evolved to take a punch”: Does that mean the human hand evolved to deliver one? Hmm. That doesn’t really sound like “evolving.” Back to the drawing board, professor.

Navy: Human error led to submarine collision in 2012”: The submarine and a guided-missile cruiser collided off the coast of Florida. Of course it was human error. Who or what else? Terrorist marine animals? The Bermuda Triangle? Some other kind of supernatural sea error?

Guys, your smartphone is hurting your sperm”: So someone has developed an app that measures the relative health of one’s sperm? Those tech folks think of everything.

Doctor suspended for sexting during surgery”: And sometimes your smartphone is hurting a lot more than your sperm… This news broke the same week that National Time Out Day is observed, which is an initiative to raise awareness on the importance of surgical team time-outs before starting surgery to prevent errors, such as operating on the wrong leg, or taking out the wrong kidney, etc.

So, thanks to this unsavory Seattle anesthesiologist, the time-out presurgical checks must now include: Everyone’s scrubs pulled up and tied securely; check; no phones or porn; check; all hands on deck; check. Or perhaps they simply should observe National Fire The Freak Day as needed. (Among many, many allegations, Arthur K. Zilberstein is accused of looking at private medical records for sexual gratification.)

On second thought, perhaps some faces did evolve not only to take a punch, but to deserve one, or several.

Contrave: Is this the weight loss drug we’ve been waiting for?”: Since the name sounds like the past tense of “contrive,” let’s take a wild guess and say “no.”

Pregnant women advised to eat more fish”: Just another of the many, many reasons why industry, aka Boeing, should not be able to dictate the levels of pollution deemed “acceptable” in the seafood that we eat in Washington. (Not to mention, polluted runoff from huge parking lots is hardly essential to the task of building airplanes…)

Lego to introduce set of female scientist figurines”: Please, for love of Marie Curie, don’t make them pink.

Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.

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