Doomsday bunkers hot buy

Have you finished your April Fools Day shopping yet? Only four more days left! Let’s look at the headlines:

•”Sales of luxe doomsday bunkers up 1,000 percent“: Events in Japan and the Middle East have increased sales of bunkers anywhere from 20 percent to 1,000 percent, CNNMoney.com reported.

Northwest Shelter Systems, an Idaho company that offers shelters ranging in price from $200,000 to $20 million, has seen sales surge 70 percent since the uprisings in the Middle East, with the Japanese earthquake generating further interest, CNN reported. The company has 12 bunkers already booked, when it normally sells four per year.

So, despite the doomsday nature of these times, this is a good-news economic report. Who said sales of new homes, er, bunkers, were down? And there must be slightly lower-tier action going on as well — people who can’t afford a brand new bunker but are nonetheless splurging to upgrade their outdated Y2K shelters, which are so 1999. Doesn’t A&E have a “Flip This Bunker” series?

•”Arizona golf course hole is par 5 and 3 mountain lions“: Finally, something to spice up the game. And a fresh use for the phrase “To Coug it.”

•”Coyote delays jets at busy Atlanta airport“: He was late for a big golf tournament and didn’t want to miss his plane.

•”Shark bites Cancun tourist in surf despite warning“: Those darn sharks, not following warnings…

•”A durable doomsday preacher predicts the world’s end — again“: Preacher Harold Camping, 89, was wrong about his prediction about 1994, but he’s certain about the upcoming end in just months — May 21, Religion News Service reported.

Hmmm, makes one think twice about ordering that $20 million bunker.

•”Protect yourself: Don’t hold more than $500,000 in any single account“: Well. No problem then. Some financial advice is certainly easier to follow than others.

•”America’s millionaires on the rebound“: Well, thank goodness. The rest of us were worried. The millionaires said two things were key to their survival: The $500,000 under the mattress and the $500,000 stashed in the bunker.

•”Artificial cloud designed to offer shade at Qatar’s 2022 World Cup“: No, that’s not artificial thunder you hear. It’s the entire Pacific Northwest Emirates groaning in unison, “We’ve got your #$&%@$^ cloud right here.[”] Holding the World Cup in the Middle East may, in fact, be a sign of the apocalypse, even if Preacher Harold Camping forgot to mention it. Wouldn’t it be easier to play the games in air-conditioned, underground bunkers?

Go ahead, make soccer-is-a-sign-of-the-apocaplypse jokes. Just turn the artificial sun up a little higher.

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