Elect president via brackets

Perhaps if our endless presidential election process was more like a basketball tournament, with regions and brackets and betting, it could spice things up and move them along more meaningfully. And we could give “caucus” a rest. Let’s step up to the stripe and take our foul shots at the headlines:

•”Fifth-grader sent to principal’s office for bracket pool”: He incorrectly had Donald Trump in the Elite Eight.

New Jersey capital offices almost out of toilet paper”: There’s one idea to get Washington’s special-session-happy Legislature to get things done in a timely manner.

Kansas House squashes bid to make Toto breed top dog”: The Flying Monkey lobby bottled things up, while the Wicked Witch contingent cackled.

Women scientists lose out on research prizes”: Just curious about this common usage. When did “women” replace “female” as an adjective?

The article begins, “Male scientists still receive an outsized number of research awards compared to women, a study finds.”

We don’t say “men” scientists, do we? (Regarding the article, which says the difference is due to bias, would it help if awards committees could evaluate applications without knowing the sex of the appplicants?)

•”This fossil shows lobsters knew how to cuddle”: Which was very, very carefully.

Barbers, stylists disagree on who can display a barber pole”: How snippy can you get? Did anyone check with the stripper union to see where it stands?

Mom gives birth on sidewalk outside Minn. hospital”: Well, that’s one way to cut down on the room costs. And maybe get strangers to spontaneously kick in financial help. “Get a room.”

”’Boomerang generation’ upbeat about living with parents”: The boomer parents are just a tad less excited.

CEOs receive big allowances on top of fat salaries”: For example, Jack in the Box CEO Linda Lang gets $66,500 a year; other execs, at least $45,000, USA Today reports. Lang’s 2011 compensation: $4.5 million, plus option gains worth more than $750,000.

So when people speak of the “haves” and the “have nots,” what they mean is a CEO making $4.5 million, plus option gains worth more than $750,000, plus a $66,500 allowance, versus the people who staff a Jack in the Box, and the people who eat there.

•”Snip, slice: The urology center that offers free pizza with every vasectomy”: Is that really an enticement? Does one call in and ask for “The Works?”

How booze takes the edge off for sexually thwarted fruit flies”: Does that mean they are crying in your beer? Ew. And nibbling on your free vasectomy pizza, no doubt.

Happy Monday from the cuddly lobster contingent.