It’s a good week to say thank you to the heroes in your life. But also beware of the everyday villains that sometimes pop up when families and friends gather. For example: The $Moocher, The Meddler, and the Mutant Gravy Stain Maker. The Twitterer, the WhyInMyDayer, and the person whose apron says Master Baster.
Let’s serve up the headlines with plenty of stuffing:
•”Butterball says it has a shortage of fresh large turkeys”: Yes, so say the people who want to sell you one. Gobble, gobble.
”Cheap and easy ways to class up your Thanksgiving”: Well, don’t say “class up” for starters. Or “cheap” for that matter. And take off that apron.
”Oxford Dictionaries: ‘Selfie’ is word of the year”: Most people, even WhyInMyDayer, know that “selfie” refers to self-portraits taken with a cell phone. But if we didn’t know the meaning and had to guess, would you agree it sounds like British slang for, you know … that apron thing?
”Cheap and easy ways to class up your Thanksgiving”: Don’t invite me?
”Costco apologizes for Bible-as-fiction flap”: Don’t touch that one with a 10-foot pole, even if they come 50 to a box and are a super-duper good deal of a lifetime.
”Very well aged: Archaeologists say ancient wine cellar found”: The wine is very dry. Dusty, in fact. “It’s understated, yet dirty.”
”Ky. fried chicken candles: Get ‘em while they’re hot!”: For a romantic evening, put on some music and light your KFC candles? Then whisper sweet nothings such as “Do you want to mash?” and “Can’t get enough of your original recipe, baby.”
Just don’t light the candles during a storm when the power is out, and drive yourself crazy craving some hot, fried chicken.
•”U-District burglar just needed some chicken”: See what can happen? The lawyer for the man with the munchies will offer the KFC-candle entrapment defense. (Judge: How do you plead? Defendent: Crispy. Wait, I mean baked! OK, fried…)
”Boeing 747 Dreamlifter lands at wrong airport”: And you thought you were having a bad week. Will people now say of someone who does something dumb, “He’s an airport short of a landing”? Or “He’s a few Dreamlifters shy of an 787”? Or “He’s not the brightest overhead light in the cockpit”? Or “His pilot light went out”?
”Miley Cyrus celebrates 21st birthday, brings back eyebrows!” Did her publicist make a deal with a devil? Everything that girl does, unfortunately, does headlines. Including the state of her eyebrows. Who would have guessed Miley Cyrus was born so close to twerky day?
”Marlboro maker Philip Morris to enter e-cigarette business”: They just want to take their profits, er, freedom back, as the ads say.
Next week: Cheap and easy ways to class up your Christmas.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org