Have a merry Trickmas

Cheers to ever invented the phrase “candy-coated.” (Mom: You have to wear something warm over that costume. Child: No worries mom, I’m candy-coated.) Let’s scare up some headlines:

•”Halloween is coming … Oct. 31”: In other news, Christmas will be on Dec. 25 this year.

It’s true, of course. that retailers and fast-food purveyors need reminding. An October fast food coffee cup adorned with a Mc-Ornament just helps usher in seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, sooner. If that’s too vague and Seattle-sounding, perhaps merchants could agree to put off Christmas advertising until after the hurricane season is done beating up the East Coast.

•”Column: How to avoid Halloween candy temptation”: Go to the store and buy the candy canes? Or the Aplets and Cotlets.

N.Y. man gets watch back 53 years after theft”: Wow. Just in the nick of time.

This robot’s offspring will clean your future home”: Ah, unraveling the robotic genome. The article’s author thinks the inventor’s illustration “gives the robot prototype a kind of Rosie from The Jetsons look. Or maybe a Dyson vacuum cleaner.”

It would be more fun if it did look like Rosie. Unfortunately, it mostly resembles a giant women’s razor, (which could very easily have a snooty British Dyson-like voice.)

•”Meet the amazing robots that will compete in the DARPA Robotics Challenge”: These are the jock robots. Neither they, nor their offspring, will clean your future home. In fact, such a suggestion might provoke them to simply clean your clock.

Huge ‘zombie’ alien planet rises from the dead”: And boy, is it hungry. Watch out, fleshy stars and planets. (But trying to hide behind Jupiter is cowardly.)

Shark falls from sky onto Calif. golf course”: This was a sea creature, not the golfer Greg Norman, who is known (or was once known) as The Shark.

A bird apparently dropped the 2-foot-long shark onto the 12th tee. (It asked a stunned foursome: Mind if I play through?)

Like Greg Norman, however, — golfer turned golf fashionista — the leopard shark was nattily attired in its leopard skin. This wasn’t good enough to get him into the clubhouse, however, and course officials returned the bleeding shark to the ocean, which, while well-intended, seems a little mean. (Like the shark’s wife is going to believe his story.)

•”Hermit crabs socialize to evict their neighbors”: They simply take over and move into the roomy, remodeled shells of the evicted tenants. In a further nod to nature’s brutality, the crabs also take over their neighbors’ country club memberships.

Beluga whale ‘makes human-like sounds’”: Between chomps, she seems to be saying, “Mmmm crab cakes.”

Make it a no-trick, all-treat week.

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