By Carol MacPherson
If life were like TV, which Snohomish County city or town would most likely end up “Under the Dome”? (Will the miniseries end when they implode the dome, Kingdome-style?) Let’s work our way through the headlines like hamsters in a Habitrail, or rats in a maze, if you’re old school.
•”GOP prepares bill to cut food stamps by $4B a year” and “Millions in U.S. subsidies go to dead farmers”: Sigh. Does everyone agree that we have no choice but to go ahead and put Congress “Under the Dome”?
”Want porn? You’ll have to ask for it in the UK”: Internet suppliers will block porn sites unless customers ask for the filters to be removed. And just to make sure they feel self-conscious enough, they must request it to politely, like Oliver Twist. “Please, sir…”
”Seattle pot smokers may face future fines for toking in public”: It’s a little ironic that when marijuana was illegal, but the lowest police enforcement priority, Seattle pot smokers were ignored. Now that it’s legal, the police will be out issuing fines again. Perhaps pot (and cigarette smokers) can carry around their own personal Under the Dome.
”Johnny Depp: I may retire from acting in the near future”: Boy, that “Lone Ranger” movie must be as bad as they say.
”New headphones make music listening a social experience”: Except not really. Posting a song you’re listening to a website isn’t really “social.” On the other hand, listening to, or making music together is a social experience.
”Arts majors jump ahead of tech grads in landing jobs”: No comment. Except this is not made up.
”Recent grad on what he learned at the UW — ‘Creativity is useless’”: The lack of creativity, coupled with complaining, however, is even more useless.
”PayPal accidentally credits man $92 quadrillion”: Alas, by the time he figured out how much $92 quadrillion ($92,233,720,368,547,800) was, he had missed his window of opportunity.
”Isolated tigers travel surprising lands to find mates”: If biology class is to be believed, the amount of effort, or “drive” involved to find a mate would never fall under the category of “surprising.” Even if the tigers were hailing taxis, which they are not.
”New teeth grown from urine — study”: Oh, dear. Who knew there would ever be something that could make people eager to explain that smoking is responsible for their yellow teeth?
”Dropping $180 for bird poop facials at NYC spa”: Yep. Your face definitely looks better once they wipe all that %@!&off it. A true beauty miracle.
”The live snail facial experience”: Japan, where the bird poop facial originated, is also responsible for the live snail facial “trend.” Beauty mavens thank you, Japan.
And just think, now when Northwesterners accidently step on a slug with bare feet, they can enjoy it as a trendsetting pedicure experience, rather than a purely gross one.
•”Washington panel might restrict octopus hunting”: Quick, before they become a facial trend.
”California fishermen file suit in effort to keep ‘otter-free zone’”: In a countersuit, the otters argue: “Right back at ya, homo sapiens.”
”Study: Who’s spying on your health searches? Some health websites share user search terms with third parties:” Holy hairy moley, that must make for some fine reading.
”Sex and the cardiac patient should not be a taboo subject”: Rule No. 1: As your background music, always play that Bee Gees’ “Staying Alive” song that they teach people do CPR to.
”Facebook said to plan to sell TV-style ads for $2.5M each”: Hmm. All the ads, without any shows. Sounds like a can’t-lose, bird-poop-facial business plan.
Think outside the dome this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org