By Carol MacPherson
In a world of the 1 Percenters and the Not-haviers (Of Nothavington), life sometimes seem to be imitating a Dr. Seuss story, such as “The Sneetches” (featuring snobby Star-Belly Sneetches and self-esteem-challenged Plain-Belly Sneetches and the “entrepreneur” Sylvester McMonkey McBean), minus everyone learning the moral of the story at the end. Let’s go through the headline machine.
“Justin Bieber drug test video released”: The video of the singer giving a urine sample (with a digital black box superimposed over his genitals for privacy) was sought under public records laws by The Associated Press and other news organizations. Sigh. Really, AP? Way to do journalism proud. Why not let the National Enquirer go after the urination videos? Is it possible that there are things in the state of Florida that actually need investigating?
“10-second rule withdrawn by NCAA rules committee”: If players want to eat food, gum, or put in mouth pieces that have fallen on the ground, that’s their business, the committee ruled, no matter how long it’s been there.
“Mariners cut 13 players”: One of them being outfielder Burt Reynolds. Rats. The company that makes the Mariner commercials could have had fun with that one, posing Reynolds in the famous Burt Reynolds (the actor) 1972 nude centerfold pose in Cosmopolitan magazine, trading the bearskin rug for outfield grass, ditching the cigar, but adding his (strategically placed) baseball glove…
“A Scent of Bacon iPhone alarm”: Hmm. Waking up to the smell of bacon, and then realizing there isn’t any bacon, is pretty mean. If the phone is so smart, why doesn’t it pop out some real bacon, or order some in.
“Flickr co-founder Fake launches new Findery app”: When reading this headline, it’s helpful to know that the co-founder of Flickr is named Caterina Fake, and that a “fake launch” isn’t a thing, like a “trial balloon” or “trial run.”
“Police could be spying on you using your own cell phone”: Why not? Join the club. (The phone companies, the Internet companies, retailers, the NSA, the FBI, the CIA, the Department of Homeland Security, secret agencies, other countries, hackers, etc.)
“J.C. Penney basking in post-Oscars glow”: How is that possible, when less than a year ago every financial pundit and their mother ventured dire questions such as, “Penney CEO’s challenge: Is it even fixable?” Financial reporting and prophesying is often so much bluster, but still beats a Justin Bieber drug test video.
“Your take: Show your ashes”: USA Today has a feature in which they ask readers to send in their “selfies.” (Pictures taken of oneself with one’s phone.) In this case, they sought selfies from Ash Wednesday.
Ah, yes, nothing says the start of the centuries-old tradition of the Lenten season of reflection like snapping a picture of yourself with ashes on your forehead, and hoping people “like” it.
“UN body condemns US states’ legalization of pot”: Gosh, good thing the United Nations doesn’t have any real international problems to address…
“Facebook offers users 56 new gender options: Here’s what they mean”: Wow. That’s a lot of gender. For unlucky daters, however, that just means dozens more categories of people to be rejected by. And then there’s always that one guy, “Yeah, I’m all 56 genders. I can’t be categorized, babe.” (Known online as Heinz 57.)
Don’t forget to bounce back after springing forward today.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com