By Carol MacPherson
Now that summer is here and it’s warming up a tad, it’s time to remind people that it’s a misdemeanor (punishable by fine, penalty or taunting) to complain about “the heat” in the Northwest. (And we say “muggy,” which is the Northwest’s laid-back version of what is known as “humidity” in other places.)
If it was, in fact, really hot, what would be your workplace equivalent of bikini baristas? Board-short bankers? Speedo software engineers? Tankini technologists? No-tan-line notary publics? Old-fashioned, fully-body one-piece office managers? Cutoff-jeans guy without a job?
Don’t forget the sunscreen while we play with the headlines.
•”Carnival Cruise CEO Mickey Arison to step down”: After many nightmarish fiascos at sea over the past few years, he was either going to step down, or be made to walk the plank.
”Court ruling creates two Queensrÿches”: Oh, thank goodness. Because having one 1980s band from Bellevue named Queensrÿche just isn’t enough.
”Why aren’t vacations as restful as they used to be?”: Well, sometimes it’s because the cruise ship is stuck at sea. But mostly it’s because people insist on checking email and whatnot while on vacation. Helpful strategy: Put down the phone, and quit participating in online polls about how hard you work during vacation.
”No toilet paper on 10-hour flight”: That might add a little strain to a vacation. (It was an accident that they ran out of toilet paper, not one of those no-frills ideas touted by Ryanair and others.)
”Port Angeles port director quits over ‘serious health issues,’ then rehired in new job”: A job in which he is paid the same $138,000 annual salary he had been making. The employee in question, Jeff Robb, 59, of Sequim, said he intends to retire in July 2014. At which time he will be eligible for state retirement benefits for serving for 30 years in government. Robb’s wife, Laura, said in an interview that Robb has “stress issues.” Well, he certainly doesn’t anymore. Leave the stress to the privately employed taxpayers.
”Lance Armstrong quotes irritate Tour de France cyclists”: And everyone else, for that matter.
”Apple TV ads touting corporate values flop with viewers”: You mean the one that begins with schoolchildren using an Apple product in a classroom while the serious narrator intones, “This is it, this is what matters”? Yep, an ad is a definite flop when the first seven words make people change the channel before they get, shall we say, an upset stomach.
”Eager beaver blamed for New Mexico Internet outage”: The bucked-tooth animal chewed through the CenturyLink fiber line, causing a 20-hour Internet and cellphone outage in Taos. In his defense, the beaver said he saw the Apple TV ad and “just lost it.”
”Grenada to punish offensive online comments”: The tiny Caribbean island has made it a crime to “offend people through websites such as Facebook and Twitter.” The fact that they think they can keep up with “offensive online comments” goes to show how mellow life must be there, even among online commenters. “We have problems when some use the technology to engage in mischief,” said Legal Affairs Minister Elvin Nimrod. Ah, mischief. Such a different beast than maliciousness.
With a straight face, try saying “This is it, this is what matters” when people are arguing over/complaining about something particularly silly this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com