By Carol MacPherson
(On the other hand, many people would argue that the IRS simply can’t be any more monstrous than it already is. Har, har.) Let’s slay the headlines:
”?’Small World’ ride celebrates 50 years at Disney”: While the theme ride is a fine and prescient concept, 9 out 10 of the world’s inhabitants agree that any musical celebration of the “Small World” song should be toned down, way down. As in muted. Completely muted.
”CBS’ ‘60 Minutes’ admits to faking Tesla car noise”: Vroom, vroom. Good grief. Is time up on this “television news magazine”?
”Ky. drivers could soon be crossing Col. Sanders bridge”: Warning signs will advise drivers to look out for “Slick Greasy and Gravy Spots.”
”Take 15 pounds off your selfie with new app”: Sure, why not. We live in an airbrush world. Where apparently no one can handle the truth. (But, if memory serves, didn’t “selfies,” in part, evolve as a light-hearted response to all the “beautiful people” photos on Facebook? Doesn’t making one “magazine perfect” defeat the purpose?)
”The Internet of the future will look a lot like TV”: Well, that’s a long way to go … full circle. How futuristic! Almost beyond imagination!
”Research: Internet trolls are ‘everyday sadists’?”: Indeed. And a bit of the “everyday masochist,” as well, since they insist on “reading” the publication/writer/article/column that causes them so much pain and “commenting” on it.
”Minnie Driver quits Twitter after body bullying”: Paparazzi pictures of the 44-year-old actress in a bathing suit while on vacation prompted the “everyday sadists” with their raison d’être to barrage her with “criticism,” which is too polite a word. No doubt her “critics” are all 100 percent physically fit and “smokin’ hot,” as the phrase goes. (Oops, that was troll-y of me.)
”Albania: 2.2 tons of pot found in sofa shipment”: In preemptive press release, La-Z-Boy officials said the company was not involved.
”John Daly smokes 40 cigarettes and drinks 10-12 cans of Diet Coke per day”: There must be a way to work this information into the formula for calculating one’s golf handicap.
”For many teens, formal sex education comes too late, CDC report says”: Uh, might that be because they need the information before they are teens?
”How boring videos can give you a ‘brain orgasm’?”: Presumably the purveyors of less boring videos with a more traditional ending aren’t particularly worried about the competition.
Remember when “trolls” were those cute-ugly little dolls with the wild, colored hair?
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org