By Carol MacPherson
Time for a spring-cleaning sweep of the headlines:
“Facebook wants to handle online money transfers”: Of course it does.
“KFC sells chicken corsage just in time for prom”: The lovely wrist corsage comes with a drumstick nestled in bed of baby’s breath, apparently so one can nibble and snack while slow dancing. Presumably, the presenter of the corsage will accessorize him or herself with plenty of napkins and hand wipes, not to mention some mashed potatoes and gravy.
“McDonald’s posts disappointing quarterly results”: Because it missed out on the hot edible corsage market? No? It all depends on what one means by “disappointing.” The article goes on and on for paragraphs before we finally reach this news: McDonald’s earned $1.2 billion, or $1.21 per share, down from $1.27 billion, or $1.26 per share, a year earlier. Revenue rose to $6.7 billion from $6.61 billion. Analysts were looking for a first-quarter profit of $1.24 per share on $6.73 billion in revenue. Oh. So the results are disappointing in the sense that “analysts” wanted Mcd’s to hit $6.73 billion in revenue, rather than a paltry $6.7 billion. Yes, so very disappointing.
(McDonalds is hoping for better results next quarter by dipping into the food-fashion trend with the introduction of its McRib Corset.)
“In North Korea, meth is offered as casually as a cup of tea”: Well, that would certainly explain a lot, wouldn’t it?
“Alicia Silverstone courts controversy with parenting book”: Silverstone joins the club of other dangerous, misinformed mommies posing as experts offering “health” advice, who get book deals because of their celebrityhood, despite the absence of any actual expertise about their subject matter. (Fittingly, Silverstone is best known for starring in the movie “Clueless.”)
“Boeing CEO defends job transfers, but experts question rationale”: So do non-experts. One of many reasons: The company is forever demanding that the state (of Washington) educate and produce more engineers to meet Boeing’s workforce demands. Now we find out we need to produce more engineers … because Boeing is moving thousands of older, experienced engineers from Washington to California. Perhaps California (and North Charleston, S.C.; Huntsville, Ala.; and St. Louis) would like to help share the cost of training employees in Washington who will eventually be transferred to one of the engineering “centers of excellence” being built in those other states?
“IRS awards bonuses to 1,100 employee who owe back taxes”: And an additional 1,700 workers got bonuses even though they had been disciplined for some kind of misconduct within the previous year, AP reported. Sigh. What could possibly be the rationale for awarding bonuses to government workers? It’s not like they’re private sector CEOs who presided over failing companies or anything like that.
This just in from KFC Bucket O’ Fashion: Spring brides can choose between an Extra Crispy or Original Recipe garter belts, for a limited time only.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com