Legislate Gangnam Style

If by chance you happened to wake up and find your regular nose replaced with a new, red, very shiny, glowy nose, how would you put it to use? (Presumably after tracking down whoever made the previous night’s eggnog.) To read in bed at night? Or to set the mood? Or to shine it brightly, old-school interrogation style, on your curfew-breaking teenager?

Let’s roast some headlines on the open fire:

•”Relive 2012 in 60 seconds”: Apparently this is the state of our attention span.

Gangnam Style hits one billion views on YouTube”: The South Korean dance track was posted online in July, propelling pop star Psy to worldwide fame, and inspiring hundreds of parody clips. The world has been Gangnam-crazy only since July? Surely it’s been longer.

Anyway, it seems obvious that the elusive solution to the “fiscal cliff” business could be found if President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner would lead Congress in a rousing, bipartisan Gangnam Style routine before starting negotiations.

•”How to spy on teen drivers”: Several technologies exist to “monitor newbie motorists,” the article states. Just ask your kids to install one of them for you.

Changes in law aim to protect kids’ online data”: While better late than never, we’re afraid that tracking cookie left the jar a long time ago.

Boeing replaces people with potatoes”: Not for building planes, of course. The gizmag.com article is about how engineers at the Boeing Test &Evaluation laboratories discovered that sacks of potatoes work as a substitute for people, when testing the effect on WiFi of an airline cabin packed with passengers.

That makes perfect scientific sense, based on the universal standard of measurement calculated by heaving a toddler over a shoulder head-first and declaring “I’ve got a sack of potatoes.”

•”Pope visits jail to pardon ex-butler who leaked private papers”: “All is forgiven,” the pontiff reportedly said. “Now tell me where you hid the remote!”

U.K. paper sues Lance Armstrong over libel case”: Turnabout is fair play, as they say. (Who will now sell SueStrong wristbands?)

Rudolph’s red nose not a myth, researchers find”: Dutch and Norwegian scientists found that reindeer’s noses have a rich supply of red blood cells and a dense microcirculation system in their nose, both of which help them maintain an “optimal nose climate” during the North Pole’s extreme weather and temperatures.

“Rudolph’s nose is red because it is richly supplied with red blood cells, comprises a highly dense microcirculation, and is anatomically and physiologically adapted for reindeer to carry out their flying duties for Santa Claus,” they wrote.

Let’s pause to sing the traditional carol, “All I Want for Christmas is My Optimal Nose Climate.”

Shine brightly this week..