By Carol MacPherson
Is everyone ready for some professional football? (A linguistics paper found online is titled, “Rhetorical Questions As Redundant Interrogatives,” which, although I didn’t take the time to read it, must fit this query.) Which is to say, yes, everyone (well mostly) is ready for some professional football. Indeed. People are less enthusiastic, however, about 10 a.m. start times, including churches, which can fairly claim unfair competition.
Put your shoulder pads and helmets on as our no-huddle offense gets a jump on the slow news:
•”32 Beers, 32 Teams”: This article pairs beers (or other alcoholic drink) with NFL teams for game watching. For the Seattle Seahawks, writer Mike Tanier suggests … tap water. He starts: “Seattle is an intimidating place for the tragically uncool.” And concludes, “So while it would be easy for me to load up Seattle Magazine, search some beer lists, and decree that Haystack Hefeweizen by Snoqualmie Falls Brewing is the quintessential Seahawks bar, the very act of selecting that beer will make it uncool and, by extension, un-Seattle.” (He also says you should be sober to watch to cutting edge Seahawks because you never know what they will do next.)
(Wow. Not only are the Seahawks expected to field a formidable team, the city of Seattle continues to run its quite effective and enduring psych out play on visitors and residents alike. (Pick a topic on which someone is sure to try and snob, er, steer you straight: Beer, wine, coffee, recycling, etc.) Hut, hut, psych!)
Well, since Tanier wasn’t willing to randomly designate one, what’s your pick for the perfect Seahawks beer? Surely a lovingly crafted caffeinated beer exists out there? Meanwhile, here are some beer choices for your favorite armchair quarterback and/or others in the room: Lazy Boy Hef. (By Lazy Boy Brewing in Everett). Mens Room Original Red. (Elysian Brewing Company, Seattle). Naked City Honey Boo Boo. (Naked City, Seattle.) Sassy Pants Pale. (Rock Bottom, Seattle) Whiny The Complainer. (Big Time Brewing, Seattle. Which also makes, “Golden Tate’s.”)
•”Oklahoma HS QB injured his hand while noodling”: Turns out “noodling” is a sport in which one attempts to catch fish barehanded, and is not to be confused with “canoodling,” the popular amorous, and apparently safer, activity.
”Weird! Tiny frog hears through its mouth”: Putting an anatomical twist on the saying, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.”
”Parents: Yelling and swearing at teens can backfire”: “Gee, do you think?” (Said Sassy Pants Pale.)
”Miniature ‘human brain’ grown in lab”: “Miniature” meaning, in this case, the size of a pea. So now Sassy Pants Pale can say, “He’s so dumb, he’s literally a pea-brain.”
”Outlet malls eager to welcome big spenders from China”: Chinese tourists are branching out from major city shopping centers to suburban outlet malls, like Premium Outlets. “With prices that are often 50 percent cheaper than goods at home, the Chinese aren’t shy about opening their wallets,” the Sacramento Bee reported.
Is this the “global economy?” Big spenders from China come to the U.S. to purchase luxury goods, such as Calvin Klein clothes and Coach bags, … which are, of course, made in China.
Write a poem this week using only craft beer names.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org