By Carol MacPherson
Put down the plastic pumpkin and back away from the candy. Just practicing my Sgt. Joe Friday for Halloween. “Just the Kit-Kats, ma’am.” No, not for a costume party. Just in case. You never know when something might need investigating, and I loaned my Nancy Drew costume no a friend. Let’s interrogate the headlines.
•”Thief returns Pa. boy’s giant 100-pound pumpkin”: The repentant thief returned the pumpkin the boy had won a contest, leaving a note of apology, and a hospital bill for treatment of his resulting hernia.
”Authorities capture mysterious goat in Des Moines”: Was it wearing a trenchcoat and dark glasses? Or perhaps a cape? (Or as a droll-bordering-on-sarcastic Joe Friday would say, “A mysterious goat? Is that right?”)
”Groom who halted own wedding with bomb hoax jailed”: It’s not what you think. He didn’t have cold feet and attempt to get out of getting married. He simply didn’t want to admit that he neglected to book the venue for the wedding. Oops. What a goat. (Not even a mysterious one like in the Nancy Drew book, “The Clue of the Forgetful Groom”).
”White replaces silver as favorite car color”: Wow. That’s like vanilla replaces vanilla bean as the favorite ice cream flavor. Yawn. (The original Nancy Drew always drove “a speedy blue roadster.” Joe Friday: “Is that right?”)
”HOV lane driver caught with mannequin riding shotgun”: That’s right. A Marysville man was the latest to try this trick, and get caught. The WSP trooper who stopped him said the faux passenger was wearing “a hideous and obvious wig.” Things the driver definitely did not say:
— “Yes, she’s a little plastic, but she’s from Bellevue.”
— “She’s my service mannequin companion.”
— “Hideous? You try styling her hair in this humidity.”
•”China trying to stop patients from killing doctors”: Well, that certainly makes Obamacare complaints seem tame.
”Texas high school football coach: Investigation finds no evidence of bullying in 91-0 win”: Is that right? Well, let’s hope he feels proud, then. (Unsurprisingly, there’s no “mercy rule” in Texas.)
”Man calls cops for theft from Pa. workers’ fridge”: Well, who would you call if someone stole your “Jell-O brand strawberry Jell-O snack”? Bill Cosby?
”Runner in KC Marathon sets knitting record”: How exciting? Only to be outdone by a triathlete who crochets and the needle-pointing NASCAR driver.
”Apple unveils iPad Air, iPad Mini with Retina display”: Perhaps newspapers would attract more advertisers if they didn’t run free ads posing as news for certain select brands.
”Betty White mocks Miley Cyrus”: Was she in character? Because riding a wrecking ball seems like such a Sue Ann Nivens thing to do.
”Boy Scouts toss 2 men who knocked over ancient Utah rock” and “Man seen toppling boulder claims ‘debilitating injuries’ from car crash in recent lawsuit”: One of the men seen in the incriminating video had filed a personal injury lawsuit just a few weeks earlier, claiming he suffers from “serious, permanent and debilitating injuries.” Except for when, you know, he has to push over a huge, ancient boulder. Well, there’s one frivolous lawsuit screeching to a stop.
It’s not quite instant karma, like if the rock fell on the men, but it’s pretty darn close.
Try to keep the proper trick-to-treat balance this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org