‘Nightmares’ at home, too

How about a “Kitchen Nightmares” spin-off targeted at people who don’t own restaurants? Come save this family from their dinner-time fatigue, with their meatloaf-heavy menu; but do it with more laughing and less swearing via a friendly host; and hey, what the heck, it’s TV, get those good-looking “Property Brothers” to remodel the kitchen while you are at it.

Think of “Kitchen Dreams” as “Hoarders Lite” meets a gentler “Wife (Husband) Swap,” meets “What Not to Wear While Cooking.” Or something.

Come up with your own reality show combo. But just know that “Honey Boo Boo” meets “Real Housewives” at your own risk.

Let’s look at the headlines, nightmarish and otherwise:

•”Seattle’s top dog names for 2012”: Our vote would be “Fredy Montero,” the Seattle Sounders pouty and unproductive designated player, with his $600,000 base salary and $756,000 in guaranteed money.

Shoplifter uses ukulele in convenience-store attack”: The thief did his Tiny Tim impersonation until the clerk threw money at him, begging him to leave.

A $7 cup of Starbucks coffee”: Some might elect to nominate CEO Howard Schultz to that Seattle’s top dog name list, however one chooses to define it. (The $7 coffee comes from a varietal known as “Geisha.” Starbucks has long insisted it sells an “experience” at its coffee shops; we’ll let customers decide what to label this $7 “experience.”)

Amanda Knox book cover released”: The book won’t be out until April, but the HarperCollins cover, featuring a big photo of Miss Knox, and the title, “Amanda Knox: Waiting to be Heard” is all done. Pick your punchline:

1. Well, at least she finished the hard part first.

2. “Amanda Knox: Waiting to Write.”

3. “Now. Who to play me in the movie? Hope Solo?”

•”Happy 20th birthday, text message, but you’re past your prime”: Ah. Yet another example of our 21st century inclination to declare things dead or passe, regardless of actual usage, and reality.

Eighth-grader petitions Hasbro to market Easy-Bake Ovens to boys”: As the admirable young activist points out to Hasbro, many of the top figures in the culinary industry are men — behemoths such as Emeril Lagasse, Gordon Ramsay, Wolfgang Puck and many more.

And really, the joy of “baking” a little “chocolate batter” under a lightbulb isn’t restricted to either sex. Especially if a complex Hot Wheels track is set up dangerously over the “oven.”

•”Hostess CEO cuts everyone’s pay but his”: “Ho Ho,” CEO Gregory Rayburn didn’t say as it was announced he will still get his $125,000 a month, or $1.5 million a year, as 15,000 workers lose their jobs due to the company’s bankruptcy.

Try to work the words “Ding Dongs,” “Zingers” and “Sno Balls” into conversation during your reality show this week.

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