How about a “Kitchen Nightmares” spin-off targeted at people who don’t own restaurants? Come save this family from their dinner-time fatigue, with their meatloaf-heavy menu; but do it with more laughing and less swearing via a friendly host; and hey, what the heck, it’s TV, get those good-looking “Property Brothers” to remodel the kitchen while you are at it.
Let’s look at the headlines, nightmarish and otherwise:
”Shoplifter uses ukulele in convenience-store attack”: The thief did his Tiny Tim impersonation until the clerk threw money at him, begging him to leave.
”A $7 cup of Starbucks coffee”: Some might elect to nominate CEO Howard Schultz to that Seattle’s top dog name list, however one chooses to define it. (The $7 coffee comes from a varietal known as “Geisha.” Starbucks has long insisted it sells an “experience” at its coffee shops; we’ll let customers decide what to label this $7 “experience.”)
”Amanda Knox book cover released”: The book won’t be out until April, but the HarperCollins cover, featuring a big photo of Miss Knox, and the title, “Amanda Knox: Waiting to be Heard” is all done. Pick your punchline:
1. Well, at least she finished the hard part first.
2. “Amanda Knox: Waiting to Write.”
3. “Now. Who to play me in the movie? Hope Solo?”
•”Happy 20th birthday, text message, but you’re past your prime”: Ah. Yet another example of our 21st century inclination to declare things dead or passe, regardless of actual usage, and reality.
”Eighth-grader petitions Hasbro to market Easy-Bake Ovens to boys”: As the admirable young activist points out to Hasbro, many of the top figures in the culinary industry are men — behemoths such as Emeril Lagasse, Gordon Ramsay, Wolfgang Puck and many more.
And really, the joy of “baking” a little “chocolate batter” under a lightbulb isn’t restricted to either sex. Especially if a complex Hot Wheels track is set up dangerously over the “oven.”
•”Hostess CEO cuts everyone’s pay but his”: “Ho Ho,” CEO Gregory Rayburn didn’t say as it was announced he will still get his $125,000 a month, or $1.5 million a year, as 15,000 workers lose their jobs due to the company’s bankruptcy.
Try to work the words “Ding Dongs,” “Zingers” and “Sno Balls” into conversation during your reality show this week.