By Carol MacPherson
When the sun comes out, Northwesterners are like moths to a flame. So be sure to put sunscreen on those wings. Let’s flutter and flit among the headlines:
•”Bellingham school closes because of nice weather”: That’s No. 3 of the top 10 ways to know you are in the Northwest. A (private) school cancels classes to let students soak up some rays, and it makes news. And makes us smile, due to Northwesterners’ universal understanding of our particular solar needs.
”Solar plane lands in Ariz., 1st leg of major trip”: The Solar Impulse left California on Friday for its eventual destination — New York, a journey pilot Bertrand Piccard describes as a milestone in aviation history. The aircraft is considered world’s most-advanced sun-powered plane, capable of flying day and night without fuel.
Despite the many cutting-edge advancements in solar flight, and our recent little run of sun, for safety reasons, all such aircraft remain banned from flying anywhere near our usually solar-challenged Northwest air space. But surely someone here is busy inventing the The Rain Plane. Or the Caffeine Machine. Or The Mold Impulse.
•”Washington is most bike-friendly state for sixth year”: We’re still pretty standoffish with those Segways, though.
”J.C. Penney ad apologizes to customers”: If truly contrite, the company could follow through on its onetime plan to open stores in urban areas, like the one planned in downtown Seattle, and then abandoned by the most recent former CEO.
”Smartphones have outgrown the average pants pocket, designer says”: Ah, the smartphone has grown too big for your britches. So it must be time to introduce the fashionable and functional Smart Fannypack, complete with a charger for all your gadget needs. So nerdy it must be cool. Or not.
”Five-year-old hacks fire department’s Twitter account”: Yikes. Beware the #tyke with the smartphone who has grown too big for his britches.
”Physical by smartphone becoming real possibility”: Oh, dear. Not to be confused with sexting.
And not for sending samples and specimens, that’s not covered by your phone warranty, or health insurance.
The service is only available to certain patients, however. It was determined hypochondriacs need not apply after a trial run found the average such patient sent their doctor roughly 60 texts a day, mainly photos of suspicious moles that turn out to be chocolate.
•”The FDA Eyes a caffeine crackdown” and “ER visits tied to Ambien, other insomnia drugs up 220% in recent years”: Hmm. Could there be a connection between record consumption levels of caffeine and insomnia drugs? Creating the scourge of modern-day zombies, zonked out and stumbling around, all without eating brains.
”Managers to Millennials: Job interview no time to text”: In fact, just go ahead and leave the phone in the car, or at home, to remove all temptation. (If a headline causes you to mutter and shake your head incredulously for more than four hours, call your doctor. Or send her a text and photo.)
”Women opting for surgery to get Michelle Obama’s arms”: Well, try as they might, the fit and strong Mrs. Obama is going to hang onto those. Sheesh.
Plant a garden and/or try some push-ups this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com