By Carol MacPherson
It’s supermoon weekend, the super bowl of full moons. It appears as the biggest and brightest moon of the year, thanks to an optical illusion, while its fact-based orbit does make it the closest moon of the year, coming within a cozy 222,000 miles of Earth. Everybody wave hello. Stay up instead of saying good-night. List or sing all the moon-themed songs that you can. Feel free to act like a loon. (That is to say your normal, weird self.) Let’s gaze at the headlines:
•”Hairy ‘anti-pervert’ stockings the latest trend for women In China”: From the looks of the photo, the stockings are actually more furry than hairy, more supermoon-werewolf-like than human, and will keep more than just the perverts at bay. But whatever works.
”31 reasons why Seattle is great for tourists”: Ah, there it is. No. 20 on the list brags: “We’re a mecca for airplane enthusiasts, with the Museum of Flight, Flying Heritage Collection, Historic Flight Foundation, Future of Flight and the Boeing Tour.” Hmm, according to whose GPS? What they really mean to say is that Everett/Mukilteo/Snohomish County is great for airplane enthusiasts, considering four of the five places listed can be found here, not Seattle.
”Cat nurses orphaned pit bull puppy in Ohio”: Wow, those feline RNs are mean. Oh, wait. Never mind.
”Positive revenue forecast may help avert state shutdown”: Since the annual, multiple special sessions of the Legislature seem designed to last until this annual June forecast is made, why don’t we simply start the regular session later in the year, so it will coincide with the state forecast, and do away with the charade of getting anything done until then?
”Report: Kim Kardashian names baby North, no middle name”: For some time, city names have been popular as baby names: Madison, Brooklyn, Savannah, Austin, etc. But here, perhaps sparking a new trend, Kim Kardashian, (famous for being famous) and husband Kanye West have named their daughter “North West,” thus giving birth to fashionable “regional” and/or “directional” monikers. (“Hey, somebody give Back East a call.”) Just as long as little North understands the geographical area had the name first. Which West sibling will come next, Mid, South, or Best In The?
”Men’s Wearhouse ousts founder, pitchman Zimmer”: It’s a cruel world out there, I guarantee it.
(Just wondering, how is Tom Shane, of “Now you have a friend in the diamond business” fame, doing these days?)
•”Knitting cruise to welcome the new year in style”: The first project? Knitting a life boat. Just in case.
”Most Americans hate their jobs or have ‘checked out,’ Gallup says”: Really? Just as long as we’re sure the poll numbers aren’t the “work” of some “checked out” Gallup employees who “hate their job.” According to the survey, seven out of 10 workers are “actively disengaged.” Wow. It’s certainly long past time to give those other three workers a bonus, then.
”Starbucks to post calorie counts at its stores”: But they’re going to keep it simple, with listings indicating that the drink/pastry in question contains either a “grande” or “venti” amount of calories.
”Washington State U starts sperm bank for honeybees”: The clinic is accepting new and old issues of “Playbee” and “Penthive” magazines for its clientele.
•”Just thinking about money can corrupt you”: So Wall Street is seething with greedy, impure thoughts. Who knew.
”Arizona brothel hid behind porn ruse, police say”: Ah, it’s the old brothel hiding behind the porn trick. (As TV’s Maxwell Smart would say.)
”%#$*# Siri! Survey says most drivers led astray by GPS”: And no matter how wrong she is, like sending you into a construction zone, the GPS lady frustratingly remains calm and prim, while those in the car lose their cool. The GPS guide still provides an important service, however: Now drivers and passengers can blame a third party for being lost, rather than arguing and foisting insults at each other.
(The name “North West” certainly won’t cause any problems with voice-activated systems…)
Just for fun, come up with a pitch for hairy, anti-pervert stockings this week. (“You’re going to like the way you repel others.”)
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com