By Carol MacPherson
It’s a big week ahead, (as far as February goes), starting with the Chinese New Year today — 2013 is the Year of the Snake. As with all things astrological, this means it has potential for good and bad, despite the overwhelmingly bad “snaky” connotations and associations in our everyday lexicon. Make of it what you will. (Time to shed your skin? Or give someone a squeeze?)
Next comes Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, and Thursday is Valentine’s Day. So, this wouldn’t be the year to give up chocolate for Lent. Let’s parade through the carnival of headlines:
•”Florida’s big python hunt going out with a whimper”: Invasive species notoriously evasive, AlertNet niftily summarizes, so the phrase can rattle around in your head until you’re seeing or hearing snakes. Yikes. If it’s going to be the literal Year of the invasive Snake, ophidiophobia support groups better proliferate at the same rate.
- ”Travel can improve couples’ sex life, survey says”: No, no. Of course they’re not talking about separate vacations.
- ”Birds infer their partner’s desires during bonding ritual (Then they feed them a worm)”: See? It wasn’t so hard to answer that age-old question, “What do women want?” was it? You simply, magically infer what they want. Followed by a treat.
- ”Pianist’s music fails to put tortoises in the mood”: Maybe we can infer the giant animals, and many other zoo creatures, would actually appreciate a little privacy, rather than an audience and musical accompaniment. And considering that Galapagos tortoises can live for over 150 years, perhaps it makes perfect sense that their mating ritual might be a years-long process (which frustrates humans who want to speed up the process) that glacially, eventually culminates in some out-of-the-shell action. (“Tortoise coitus” is hard to say, not that anyone would want to.) For further information, see “The Slowsky Sutra” by Bill and Karolyn Slowsky (the turtles of the Comcast commercials.)
- ”Japan town demands underwear for Michelangelo’s David”: The 16-foot-tall marble statue was donated by a businessman who hails from the area. The unnerved residents were concerned that without some modesty, David the statue would never meet the Japanese patented cartoon-character-pillow-doll-girlfriend of his dreams. (An actual phenomena that needs no further exploring.)
- ”Coco Brown: Adult film actress training to be first porn star in space”: Despite the headline, we’ll assume they are training her only to go in space, not practice her “craft.” Regardless, we will be able to look up at the night sky and say, “Look, there’s Orion’s Belt, and over there, the porn star.”
- ”13-year-old girl sends Hello Kitty to the edge of space”: The Iranian government immediately claimed victory in the space race between their monkey, Hello Kitty and Coco Brown.
”Breasts, buttocks banned by CBS from Grammys”: Hmm. Most people are pretty attached to those parts. And like their credit card, don’t leave home without them. Is Grammy having a senior moment?
- ”Smoke, coal, mercury on the runway at New York’s Fashion Week”: Ah, the long-awaited color-me-polluted fashion line. “You look positively ashen.” “Why, thank you. Hack, hack. You look smashingly smoggy yourself.”
- ”Rental boyfriends are temporary solutions to nosy relatives”: More and more Chinese women are choosing to remain single, despite family and societal pressure to marry, and will produce fake boyfriends to maintain their status quo.
Safe to say the brains behind China’s “one-child policy” never saw this coming.
- ”’You’re not invited’ alerts: New wedding trend draws criticism”: Let’s not call rudeness of a few couples a trend. Just wish them luck when they find out all the good wedding guests have already been rented.
- ”Confirmed: Couch potatoes have lower sperm counts”: But they do have higher starch levels. And offer healthful tips like, “Don’t forget to carbo-hydrate” while they hoist a beer.
Be sure to wear your (fashionably gray) “I’m With Cupid” T-shirt as you infer stuff this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org