Rootin’ Putin

Welcome to new hockey training facility. In Siberia: With Russian President Vladimir Putin watching from the stands, Russia’s men’s hockey team was eliminated from Olympic medal contention.

Russia lost, 3-1, to Finland, despite a last-ditch effort by Putin who dashed from the stands in the final minutes, tossed aside the Russian goalie, ripped off his shirt and deflected pucks with his bare torso.

Found something they’re good at: Cossacks, authorized by Russian police, attacked members of the punk group Pussy Riot as it tried to perform in Sochi during the Olympics.

Putin, still shirtless from his hockey heroics, presented gold medals to the Cossacks for Slopestyle Dissent Suppression and the 500-meter Horsewhip.

Check your Bloomin’ Onion: A Portland man is suing an Outback Steakhouse franchise for $48,000 because he broke two teeth when he bit into pieces of a broken plate in his mashed potatoes.

Attorneys for the restaurant say the diner should have known the risks in ordering Outback’s Kangaroo Punch Porcelain Shards Platter.

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