By Carol MacPherson
Tonight is the full moon, so odds are good that Toronto’s troubled mayor Rob “I’m not going anywhere, guaranteed” Ford is still making headlines. He is his own reality show, even before the TV offer.
Ford’s bad behavior sets a new low standard by which other sins can be measured. “It’s possible I had too much to drink last night, and may have said some things I now regret, but believe me, I’m no mayor of Toronto.” Let’s govern our way through the headlines.
•”3 reasons Warren Buffett bought ExxonMobil”: Profits, profits, profits?
”Google: We’re bombarded by gov’t requests on user data”: So we need to hire more people to keep up!
”Google patenting an electronic ‘throat tattoo’”: Ah, the better for advertisers and government to track you, my dear.
”Boys face more danger than girls in womb”: Now those ever-popular devil-may-care, bad boy, risk takers can tell chicks that they’ve been that way since conception. (“I’m telling you, it was like ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’!) Genetic street cred. Or “Bad to the Bone” as George Thorogood &The Destroyers put it.
”Charge: Man broke into Sea-Tac plane, said he was headed to Hawaii”: This was no Colton Harris Moore wannabe (aka Barefoot Bandit) who was going to steal the plane and pilot it himself. No, he broke in and plopped himself down in first class on a plane headed to Miami, not Hawaii. As police arrived, he may or may not have said, “I’m not going anywhere, guaranteed.”
”Justin Bieber apologizes after kicking Argentine flag”: Just for the record, when celebrities or athletes take to Twitter to “apologize” for whatever bad behavior, and then count on other media to report it and make it public, it’s not really an “apology.” Biebs is not the mayor of Toronto, but if he keeps trying really hard, maybe someday he could be.
”Man charged with driving BMW down ‘Rocky’ steps”: How lazy and non-inspirational. Did he have the gall to raise his arms in “Rocky” victory style?
”U.S. mobility for young adults falls to 50-year low”: But what of all the young people who moved to Portland to retire, as the joke goes? Wait, there it is: “By metropolitan area, Portland, Ore., Austin, Texas, and Houston were among the top gainers in young adults, reflecting stronger local economies.” Or at least friends willing to let you sleep on their couch.
”Moms on Facebook bully baby girl’s appearance”: Perhaps that would be the time to “defriend” those moms, rather than call the media?
”CIA paying AT&T to provide call records — NY Times”: But how is their CIA/AT&T electronic throat tattoo coming along?
”Facebook reportedly offered $3 billion for Snapchat. Snapchat said no.”: The messaging app allows people, OK, teens, to send photos and messages that self-destruct after a few seconds. Snapchat founders said they are going to hold out for the highest governmental spy agency bid, or Google, whichever comes first.
Meanwhile, who is working on the first self-destructing electronic throat tattooo?
•”Bacon deodorant newest pork-powered product from quirky Seattle company”: Finally. A way to put the world’s supply of solidified bacon grease to use. Perhaps it comes with a “Sunnyside Up” facial scrub.
Does it come with a warning label? Don’t wear when going to, or anywhere near, dog parks or dogs in general. Don’t apply when hungry. Don’t crumble into bits. Don’t sniff your arm. Do not add lettuce and tomato. Do give to your favorite pork-barrel politician.
Keep the foodstuffs in the kitchen this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com