Stories we wish were fake

In accordance with the day, the following news items are fake. April Fools! They are real:

  • “Ronald McDonald must go, group says”: The coalition behind the welcome retirement of the creepy “Joe Camel” character wants the fast-food corporation’s red and yellow clown namesake to go away because he has too much influence on kids. The group’s campaign, while well-intentioned, is draconian-laden, like fat in a Big Mac.

    Anecdotal evidence would suggest that rather than the Ronald McDonald persona, it is all the little toys and doodads, especially those with movie tie-ins and related advertising, which are given away with “Happy Meals,” that influences kids to filibuster their parents into a McDonald’s visit.

    If Mayor McCheese were still around, he might suggest a compromise: Trade in Ronald McDonald’s clown outfit for one that brightly lists all the menu items and their corresponding calories.

  • “Troopers say driver exceeded 135 mph on bridge”: Washington State Patrol troopers arrested a Bellevue man whose BMW was zooming across the Highway 520 floating bridge at Speed Racer velocity.

    Trooper Dan McDonald said Vladislav O. Orlovskii was arrested for investigation of drunken driving and reckless driving.

    McDonald said the driver offered no explanation for why he was traveling so fast.

    Seriously? “Because I could,” or “Because the BMW could,” would’ve been acceptable answers. It doesn’t excuse or condone the behavior, but explains it.

  • “UW pushes for grander, costlier light-rail entrance”: Of course it does. It will go well with the grand $300 million Husky Stadium renovation it seeks, which the Legislature mercifully rejected again this year.

  • “Daily helping of dark chocolate may ward off stroke, heart attack”: Makes sense. Because in moderation, it also wards off or soothes: Bad luck, bad breath, the blues, heartache, “women’s troubles,” “men’s troubles,” amotivational syndrome, as well as motivational syndrome. It also promotes the immune system and camaraderie in the office setting. Is it too late to get coverage for preventative dark chocolate in the health-care bill?

  • “NCAA Tournament proving that mid-major semi-upper-lower-middle-mids should be taken seriously.” Oh, wait. That one is fake, thanks to the excellent fake journalists at the parody newspaper The Onion. The article “quotes” Northern Iowa coach Ben Jacobson: “In the second round, everyone saw how minor mid-sub-major Cornell handled neo-mid-half-major Wisconsin. In the first, they saw how major mid-minor Xavier trounced semi-high-major Minnesota. And now they’re starting to wonder exactly what to call us.”

  • “U.S. government to save billions by cutting wasteful senator program”: The Onion again, showing why it bills itself as “America’s Finest News Source.”