By Carol MacPherson
In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love, as Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote. Or airport layovers. “My heart is like a baggage carousel, let me roll it to you,” Paul McCartney didn’t write. Let’s screen the headlines:
•”This dating site livens up airport layovers”: Gee, exactly when people are looking and feeling their best. Is the idea to get that first argument out of the way? No, say the creators of ETurbulence Dating at The Airport, which announced the upcoming inaugural activities: Shoe-Removal-Get-to-Know-You Square Dance; Security Line Fandango; Body Scanner Image Swap; and a “Let’s Carry-On” cocktail hour at the TSA Patdown Lounge.
”Virgin America Airline wants to help passengers hook up”: Won’t they have to change the name of the airline then?
”Wanna see ‘Man of Steel’ early? Go to Walmart”: Where he works as a mild-mannered greeter, due to his inability to find a phone booth in which to change out of the blue vest and into his other uniform.
”Duluth named a ‘Cleanest City’ in annual air quality report card”: Yes, the daily average 80 mph winds off Lake Superior indeed do a great job of sweeping the air clean.
”The Prodigal Tweeter returns: Weiner back online”: Just to note — great headline. (About the politician returning to the scene of the crime.)
”Kan. woman meets circus tiger in bathroom”: They swapped talk about the effect of the humidity on their hair/fur, compared lipsticks, and made plans for lunch the following day.
”Kids more likely to pick up warts at home, not public spaces”: “Tommy, how many times do I have to tell you to put that wart down!”
”College binge drinking raises heart disease risk”: Ditto non-college binge drinking.
”’Newspaper Reporter’ ranks as nation’s worst job, says CareerCast’s 2013 jobs rated report”: Oh, really? They are certainly harder to come by, but remain among the most important jobs in the world if people believe news coverage and a free press are important. At CareerCast,com however, it appears the substance of a job is immaterial to its desirability. (“Actor” is also on the worst jobs list.)
Rather than a list of the “best” and “worst” jobs, CareerCast is enumerating the “most” and “fewest” jobs available. It’s a big difference for people who think of a job as more than a way to make money.
“People who love to write can consider working for online publications or transition to advertising or public relations,” says Tony Lee, publisher, CareerCast.com. “Many jobs in communications offer better hours, greater stability, a work/life balance and a healthier hiring outlook than being a newspaper reporter.”
Because certain jobs are really a passion-fueled vocation, (artists, designers, actors, etc.) it’s doubtful that people who really “love to write” will find any satisfaction “working for online publications or transitioning to advertising or public relations.”
In fact, sentences like that can make people vow to never transition to advertising or public relations.
On the other side of the jobs coin, CareerCast writes, “High pay, low stress, a robust hiring outlook, a healthy work environment and minimal physical exertion combine to make actuary the top job for 2013. Biomedical engineer, software engineer, audiologist and financial planner round out the top five.”
According to Purdue University, (yes, I had to look it up): “An actuary is a business professional who analyzes the financial consequences of risk. Actuaries use mathematics, statistics, and financial theory to study uncertain future events, especially those of concern to insurance and pension programs.”
With all due respect to actual actuaries, really, that’s the best job in the nation?
•”Students at UC Irvine approve $3 fee to save paper”: Hmm. Sometimes the financial consequences of risk are beyond analysis or prediction. Or something.
”Woman, 80, swallows diamond at Fla. charity event”: Hopefully this will put an end to the “diamond in a glass of champagne” trend for engagements and charity events. (In this case, $20, would buy you a flute of champagne and a chance to win a one-carat, $5,000 diamond.)
Coincidentally, the winner and swallower of the diamond, Miriam Tucker, already had a colonoscopy scheduled for Monday, and the gem was retrieved. (That’s the most sparkly, clean colon I’ve ever seen,” Tucker’s gastroenterologist didn’t say.) All’s well that ends well. (And hey, CareerCast, some people were meant to retrieve the diamond, and some were meant to write about it … no ifs, ands, or buts.)
•”Rare blue diamond fetches record $9.6 million”: It’s so rare it wasn’t even put in a flute of Blue Hawaiian Punch for someone to mistakenly drink.
Don’t transition to public relations this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com