Time to rid land of onion scourge

In these highly divisive partisan times I am writing to address the issue of onions being used in the human food supply. I am starting an organization called, “Ban Onions by any means necessary action group” or just “BO” for short. Some people worry about the genetically engineered varieties from Monsanto; others worry about contamination with pesticides. Good points, but we are looking for the total elimination of onions from the American food supply.

We don’t care about the deleterious health effects of onions. We are banning onions because of their stinky wretched smell, and hideous malodorous flavor. If I walk into a restaurant and order anything on the menu, chances are I will receive onions. If I request “no onions” I usually still get them. I ordered a BLT once (and I’m not making this up) and received onions on my sandwich. Onions must be banned. My rights are being violated.

Some may argue; what about the rights of people who like onions? I would say tough luck. We already have laws against people smoking in the next cubicle for all the same reasons.

What about the onion farmers? That’s why the ban would only apply to the American food supply. India, a country of 1.2 billion people, commonly has riots due to onion shortages. U.S. onion farmers can sell their onions to India.

I request all like-minded people to join my organization and we will embark on this journey to make a real difference in the world.

John Hyman


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