Pay no attention to those Halloween and Christmas things in the stores and carry on with summer. And then stretch it out as long as possible, say, like the length of the Major League Baseball post-season. Let’s review the headline lineup :
“Girl suspended for saying “bless you” to a classmate”: For her punishment, the student had to write “gesundheit” 100 times on the board. (If they still have a board. Maybe she had to text it 100 times.) The problem is that just like a sneeze, the response “bless you” is pretty darn automatic for many people.
Maybe the class could have a “bless you” and other-banned-words jar, like a swear jar, as opposed to suspending students.
Maybe after a sneeze we should all start saying, “Holy cow!” which is a loose, which is to say inaccurate, translation of “gesundheit.”
Or perhaps the teacher endorses Jerry Seinfeld’s suggestion: “You are so good looking.”
“Why failure is the key to success for women”: Because a man said so? Kidding! Actually, failure is something everyone experiences, men and women. And to be picky, failure isn’t the key to success, unless one learns from it, which not all people manage to do, male and female.
“Why ‘19 Kids and Counting’s’ Jill Duggar Dillard doesn’t mind getting pregnant days after marriage”: Uh, because the Duggar “brand” and their television series is dependent upon the regular birthing of babies, “the counting” of them, to keep the franchise going, especially since the original mother Duggar can no longer give birth? Just a guess.
“Father of ‘affluenza’ teen arrested for allegedly pretending to be a Texas policeman”: Well, it makes perfect sense that if the son isn’t expected to obey the laws of the land, the father is certainly entitled to impersonate a policeman to make sure other people follow the law. Maybe we should just say “Holy cow!” after everything.
“Frampton: ‘I was making a statement’?”: The 1970s rocker, of “Frampton Comes Alive” fame, (back in the double-album era), recently channeled some rock ‘n’ roll rebellion at a concert in Indiana when he became so fed up at being snapped by a fan’s smartphone, he grabbed the darn thing and threw it. Frampton comes alive, indeed! What a great thing to do! Bless him! I mean, holy cow!
“Women significantly outnumber teenage boys in gamer demographics”: That seems surprising. Until one learns that people who play games such as “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” and “Candy Crush Saga” are considered “gamers.” Which makes the “Grand Theft Auto” and “Call of Duty” guys chuckle a little bit in their seen-it-all, gaming-world-weary way.
“Pet-friendly dating sites match up people, pooches”: Ah, that’s nice that the people who previously appeared on Animal Planet’s TV show, “It’s Me or the Dog” have somewhere to go…
“Girls accused of ‘bread balling’ Benton County car”: The four girls were cited for reckless endangerment for throwing wads of bread at cars, including a sheriff’s patrol. The charges were lowered from “depraved indifference” when the girls’ lawyer was able to prove that they did not know that the sheriff’s patrol car was gluten intolerant.
Work on your bunting mechanics this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; firstname.lastname@example.org.