By Carol MacPherson
So much sad and bad news, let’s take refuge in the silly:
“Kia recalls 51,641 Souls to fix defective steering”: Hmm. Applied in another realm, it offers another way to describe losing your moral compass when your soul is recalled: “Sorry. My steering was defective.”
“U.S. consumers will be seeing a lot more of Google brand”. Makes sense, since Google Earth is located in the Google Galaxy.
“Complex bread wheat genome cracked”: I’d like to raise a glass of orange juice and make a toast to a fun headline.
“Facebook testing in-house purchasing feature”: Because if you can’t buy stuff, what’s the point?
“Media’s old guard fights back against Amazon and Google”: Yikes. You know the world is upside down when you find yourself rooting for Rupert Murdoch a little bit.
“UK’s royal swan count commences”: But when does the queen’s annual corgi count commence? The one that includes statistics on how many people they’ve bitten?
“Woodlands woman’s three-story closet is her half million dollar ‘she cave’?” Earning the Texas woman the first inaugural Imelda Marcos Closet Award. Which is, indeed, depressingly regressive. (Sample quote from the winner: “The third floor houses all my furs and big hats, you come down the spiral staircase to the second floor which is where I get my hair and make up done, it also houses all the shoes from Louis Vuitton and Gucci, to my tennis and work out gear.”
“Snowdenfreude: An American crypto-company is making a killing off German anger about U.S. spying”: Just another fun headline.
Germany considers the ultimate antidote to high-tech espionage: The humble typewriter”: The article states that the move is clever, but also “depressingly regressive.” (Surely there’s a long German word or phrase to capture that mood, like ein neuer, trostloser Tag brach für ihn an. [He awakened to another dreary day.]) A few of us, however, find it refreshingly regressive.
“Why has sexy Apple gone to bed with big boring IBM?”: To make money?
“Easier ways to protect email from unwanted prying eyes”: According to the article: “What’s the solution? Make your email more like a letter inside an envelope.” (Sigh.) Which requires using “encryption tools” that are “usually difficult to install and use.” Or, you know, go ahead and send a regressive, but private, letter.
“Your eyes reveal whether you are feeling love or lust”: And if you happen to feel both … your contact lenses popping out of your head is a dead giveaway.
“You can swim in Lake Torment again”: But do you really want to? With a name like that? Never mind why they closed it in the first place. (Oh, and the Gates of Hell Trail is also open again.)
“?‘MRI’ of Rainier’s intestines finds massive magma reserve”: Reacting to chiding media reports, The Mountain vehemently (just short of volcanically) denied feeling claustrophobic inside that dang machine.