By Carol MacPherson
This just in: February will be given an “Lifetime Achievement” Oscar for its perennial over-the-top performance as a month that is much, much longer than its 28 days. Bravo, Febs. Now get off the stage already.
Moving swiftly to a montage of the lighter side of the news nominees. And the winners are:
•”Rumor: 16-year-old girl has higher IQ than Einstein”: According to reports, Lauren Marbe of Loughton, England, stunned teachers when she scored a 161 on an IQ test. (Einstein reportedly had an IQ of 160.) Despite her high score, she sounds just like any 16-year-old, which may be why her teachers were so stunned. Marbe says she loves fake tanning, blonde highlights and manicures. She dreams of one day being a professional singer and dancer in the West End. If she decides to go to college, Marbe plans on studying architecture at the University of Cambridge.
“My teachers knew I was quite clever because of my grades, but they had always thought I was blonde and a bit ditzy,” Marbe said. “Now they keep saying ‘I didn’t realize you were that clever.’”
Of course it’s completely unfair to compare, but just to note, “Einstein recalled how, at the age of 16, he imagined chasing after a beam of light and that the thought experiment had played a memorable role in his development of special relativity.” (From John D. Norton’s “Chasing a Beam of Light: Einstein’s Most Famous Thought Experiment.”)
Then again, Einstein was also considered a bit ditzy. His possible singing, dancing and tanning ambitions, however, remain unknown.
•”Dolce &Gabbana launches perfume for infants”: Stefano Gabbana says the new perfume is “inspired by the smell of a baby.”
After a nap, a spokesbaby for the infant community cooed, “Goo-goo-ga-ga Gabbana!” Or translated from the babble: We’re pretty certain we have the corner on the baby-scent market, not to mention the closely-guarded patent.
•”Discovered: The most adorable planet yet”: Astronomers confirm it definitely has that distinct baby planet smell.
”Evidence moles can smell in stereo”: Yep, they’ll pretty much smell wherever the cat drops them: inside a shoe, in the stereo, under the fridge. Seriously though, the sight-impaired rodents have developed a superior sense of smell, which explains the double-barrelled snout. Meanwhile, rodent designers Mole &Gabbana are launching on a scent inspired by the smell of a baby mole.
”Baby arrives early — along I-5”: Well, that’s one way to qualify for the carpool lane.
”NJ casino 1st to have betting by TV”: Making each hotel room a mini-casino, Providing each guest a chance to give new meaning to the term “house odds.” Such as their chance on blowing their entire nest egg on TV gambling before ever unpacking or leaving the room.
”Macy, Penney to spar in court over Martha Stewart”: “It’s a good, litigious thing.”
”Companies invest in self-service health kiosks”: Dr. Kiosk’s Turn-N-Cough and Mamm-o-Gram Stands and Shot-in-the-Butt Huts are coming to a mall near you.
”Big Bird returns to political spotlight to promote good eating, exercise”: In his new role, the beloved Sesame Street character will now be known as “Height-Weight-Proportionate Bird.”
”Report: Google planning to launch retail stores”: Uh, so you can go in and physically search for stuff?
”Why Google, Facebook continue to track you closely”: Because selling such information is how they make money?
”NW Books: A look at the intelligence of crows”: Written by the world-famous researchers, Drs. Heckle and Jeckle.
”How bees get the right buzz about which flower to land on”: From the queen’s decree? From a smartphone pollen app? Or reviews in the “Pistil &Stamen Gazette?”
”Bill would require state employee truthfulness”: Goo-goo-ga-ga Gabbana! as the kids say.
Your method acting assignment for the week: Thank people who help you like they just handed you an Academy Award.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com