By Carol MacPherson
There’s still plenty of time to make, and break, and remake your resolutions before the New Year starts. At which time you can abandon them altogether. Kidding! Let’s have a look at the waning headlines of 2013.
•”Computerized people may be next”: The article profiles Seattle resident Amal Graafstra. who has “radio frequency identification tags” or RIFD chips, implanted in his hands. He’s programmed them so that with a wave of a hand, he can get into his car, home or computer. “The rice-size gadgets work so well, the Seattle resident says, he’s sold similar ones to more than 500 customers through his company Dangerous Things,” The San Jose Mercury News reported. Wow. How futuristic. Just as long as the NSA doesn’t want to put a bar code on everyone, it sounds like a great idea, for people who like that kind of thing. Others would rather search for their car keys for eternity than put a computer chip under their skin.
Also, inquiring minds want to know: Since similar ID chips that are implanted in dogs and cats are known to travel after a time, like to their tails, will the RIFD folks report where their rice-sized chip happen to migrate? Or will we have to just wait and see which body part they wave in front of the car door?
• “After Christmas sales begin today”: What’s today, my fine fellow? That headline is from Dec. 24, otherwise known as Christmas Eve, or the start of the Pre-Christmas After-Christmas sales. Oh, for the love of Scrooge. (‘“I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future!” Scrooge repeated, as he scrambled out of bed.’ But not to go to the mall.)
”Admit it: Miley Cyrus won 2013”: I will not admit it, and you can’t make me. What Miley “won” was a most unreasonable amount of publicity, probably exactly inversely proportionate to the amount deserved. Admit it, when it comes to young women, Malala won 2013.
”Will France ban childhood beauty pageants?”: We can only hope so. Well, and perhaps send members of the French Legislature a DVD of the TLC “reality” TV series, “Toddlers and Tiaras” as an the apocalypse-is-nigh cautionary tale, from one ally to another.
”McDonald’s warns employees about the dangers of eating fast food”: Oops. That healthful advice appeared on its website, the one that recently offered helpful holiday-times hints, like reminding people to tip the pool boy.
”McDonald’s shutters its gaffe-prone website”: While it reads as if it was being hacked by a fellow named Jack-In-The-Box, it’s truly McDonald’s own employees that keep coming up with the tone-deaf stuff on its gaffe-site.
”Christmas bird count is happening now”: This includes, but is not limited to, seven swans-a-swimming, six geese-a-laying, four Colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
”Plus-size Barbie: Should dolls reflect real-world body types?”: If that means adding a healthy weight doll to the overweight and anorexic mix, by all means yes.
”Facebook ‘dead and buried to teens’, research finds”: Well, you know, now that everyone and their grandmother, not to mention advertiser, is on it, that makes sense. Perhaps some subversive teens are even passing paper notes.
”Eating nuts during pregnancy could prevent allergies”: Meanwhile, researchers say that simply petting dogs and cats during pregnancy should be enough to prevent those particular allergies.
When it comes to chips for your hands, always choose potato. Or chocolate.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org