Win gold in inaugural indoor Olympic events

Are you aware of the Indoor Winter Olympics, concurrent with the doings in Sochi? Everyone can participate, with events such as the Half-pipe Slopestyle Couch-a-thon; Kitchen Floor Curling; the Send Your Little Sibling(s) Down the Stairs on a Piece of Cardboard Luge; Freestyle Aerials Off the Bed; and Team Pursuit Men and Team Pursuit Women, Minus the Speedskating. Let’s slalom through the headlines:

Suddenly, it’s cool to be Microsoft”: The relentless micro-measuring of coolness that has accompanied the Technology Takeover is so high schoolish that it sometimes can cause flashbacks for Blackberry and flip phone types.

College Football Signing Day: The hot fad in recruiting is the handwritten letter”: Will wonders never cease!

“?‘Wobbly’ planet perplexes scientists”: Would that be Planet Weebles, where the inhabitants wobble but they don’t fall down?

Speed trap warning via driver headlight flashing protected by First Amendment, federal judge rules”: Good for the judge to uphold this old-school style of communication. One wonders, however, how many people these days actually understand what the other driver is trying to communicate (Watch out, cops ahead) and would instead take “offense” and flash their brights in response and perhaps give road-rage chase for such disrespect, etc., and so on.

Subway to remove chemical from bread”: After a petition was started by an activist food blogger, Vani Hari, who runs FoodBabe.com, Subway, the world’s biggest sandwich chain, says it’s in the “process of removing” azodiacarbonamide from its breads. The chemical is commonly used to increase elasticity in things like yoga mats, shoe rubber and synthetic leather. It’s used in the bread as a “dough conditioner.” Yum.

Gosh, with all that azodiacarbonamide in their systems, elasticizing their brains, you’d think the folks at Subway would’ve been able to imagine that selling yourself as a healthy fast food alternative might be at odds with using preservatives, “conditioners” and whatever else that keeps things “fresh” and “elastic.”

2 bikini baristas arrested at Hillbilly Hotties”: Regardless of the commerce goings-on, it’s that name that’s really the nuisance. Aim higher. Elite Hotties. Or even just Coffee Hotties or Hot Hotties. Anything but Hillbilly. Which brings to mind toothless bikini baristas more than Elly Mae Clampett.

Notre Dame signs record deal with Under Armour”: It’s always refreshing to see the rare instance when a team jersey doesn’t carry the Nike logo, prominently displayed, as if part of the uniform itself, rather than the brand.

Seattle scientist distills 2,200-page report into haiku”: During a sick day, Seattle oceanographer Gregory Johnson whittled a document from the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change down to this:

Glaciers and ice sheets

melt worldwide, speed increasing

Sea ice, snow retreat

What a fine, succinct summation. This would be an excellent idea to require of Congress — boil every bill down to haiku. No sonnets, ballads or dirges, but limericks are acceptable in lieu of haiku.

Remember to practice for your Curling Up on the Couch event this week. Everyone’s a winner.

Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com

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