By Carol MacPherson
Goodness gracious sakes alive! Or, GGSA, as the kids text. Let’s exclaim at all the headlines:
•”Wine drinkers often overpour, study says”: Researchers say people who drink wine often don’t know how much they are pouring into a glass or consuming. Well, once the bottle is gone they do. Or the box.
”Eating fish may not help with memory, thinking skills”: But, experts have determined, it can help with hunger, and making dinner.
”Late-night munchies go wild at Jack in the Box”: That’s definitely not going to help with your memory and thinking skills either.
”Americans share personal info in risky ways”: Well, if by “share” they mean the act of going online, where you “share” whether you want to or not. And if by “risky ways” they mean the act of going online…
”Stale Cookies: How companies are tracking you online today”: They are always coming up with new ways, and your personal information is always for sale to other companies who want to try to sell you something. Between corporate and governmental spying, old-fashioned “identity theft” no longer even cracks the top five online fears.
”Atlanta woman says she’s the voice of Siri”: But Siri, the celebrity, begs to differ: “There is no way. I can be that ordinary. Looking. No offense. To the. Atlanta lady. Shall I keep looking?”
”Do cities need texting zones?”: What would really be nice is a few non-texting zones.
”Bank fees rise for 15th straight year”: Of course they do. It’s the familiar philosophy: The fees are too big to fail.
”Apple ends Coca-Cola’s reign as the world’s most valuable brand”: Well, it sounds healthier, anyway. And maybe Siri can teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.
”Not so fast, Twitter: Facebook is also after those TV ad dollars”: Status: More devoted to good, ol’ TV than ever. Am I using the hashtag right if I tweet #sigh?
”First Take: Why shareholders want Gates out”: That would be Bill Gates, of Microsoft. According to the article, shareholders are afraid Gates will hire a Steve Ballmer “clone” to replace the outgoing CEO Steve Ballmer.
The article contains this damning paragraph: “Since Gates stepped down as CEO in 2000 and turned the reins over to Ballmer, Microsoft has launched 16 new businesses that do $1 billion each in annual revenue, including a handful that are growing at double-digit percentages.”
And this: “The company had record revenue topping $73 billion in its last fiscal year, and has stockpiled nearly $70 billion in foreign securities, which it can quickly turn into cash.”
Gosh, they are running the company into the ground! GGSA! GGSA!
Here’s the real reason, naturally, that shareholders want the man who invented the company gone: “Its share price has been on a plateau for more than a decade,” and “Microsoft is viewed by many on Wall Street as being too stingy in rewarding shareholders.”
Ah, yes. The hard-working shareholders aren’t getting their due. Rolling on the floor, laughing, as grandmas now text.
•”Ohio capital city fights rat problems with fliers”: Unfortunately, the city will have to try a new tactic, since after reading the fliers, the rats just snickered, crumpled them up and continued about their business.
”Naked mole rat may be ugly, but it could hold secret to longevity”: What a conundrum for our looks-based, youth-obsessed American culture. (Is a mole-rat like a golden-doodle of rodents?)
”Top 10 novels from Tom Clancy before death”: This is a clumsy way of saying the author who died last week has a novel that’s scheduled to be released soon, not that the prolific writer has a corresponding top 10 list of post-death novels.
”Diesel throws honeybees trying to find flowers off the trail”: Understandable to anyone who has driven behind a vehicle spewing “non-clean” diesel exhaust.
”Fast-food drive-thrus are getting slower”: And if for some reason you need proof, just try the new, “two-lane” drive-thru at the McDonalds at Everett Avenue and Broadway. It’s twice as slow as the old way. Two lanes would imply two people are taking orders, but that is a wrong assumption. It’s one person trying to take two orders, while also trying to take money through the window.
It’s a model of inefficiency. Not to mention it’s not “fast.” And for everyone who thinks fast food jobs don’t require skill, just try taking a turn in that order-taker’s spot.
•”Boy, 2, has his own twin removed from stomach”: Does anybody else miss watching “House M.D.”?
It’s not too early to get started on your naked mole rat Halloween costume.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org