The Ghost of Buzzes Past presents this updated column first run in 2010.
Dear Santa: Some of my friends say that newspapers are dead. Papa says, “If Santa says it’s so, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, Santa, are there still newspapers?
Virginia: Your friends are wrong.
They have been struck dumb by twerking pop stars, made dull-witted by too many episodes of “The Real Housewives.” They do not believe except what they can read in misspelled tweets and Buzzfeed galleries of Justin Bieber’s changing hairstyles.
Yes, Virginia, there are newspapers.
Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no newspapers. It would be as dreary as if there were no subscribers. There would be no Dilbert, no Dear Abby, no crossword puzzles, no Jumble. We should have no enjoyment, except in cat videos on YouTube.
No newspapers? Thank Gutenberg’s ghost, they survive, and will continue forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, newspapers will continue to miss the front porch by at least 15 feet, will still inform and entertain, delight and infuriate and leave black ink stains on your fingers.