As we pay homage to love, what is it we’re celebrating?

Published 9:00 pm Wednesday, February 2, 2005

As we enter “the month of love”, the world of advertising devises new ways to bombard us with its take on love. Hawking jewelry, flowers and candy, these folks never seem to satisfactorily define the term.

Many years ago I read a short story about a priest and his long-time friend sitting by the fire, drinking and reminiscing. The friend asks the priest, a man of great caring and compassion toward his flock, how it is a man with so much warmth in his heart has eschewed family, choosing instead the celibate life of the church.

The priest told an expressive story of how, when he was a child, his pet dog was crushed to death by a cart. The boy, who loved the dog very much, was swept away by such devastating emotion and suffering that he spent most of his childhood dealing with and overcoming this loss. A bright lad, he fully understood how this loss would be magnified if it involved more than his pet.

It was at this time the young man decided to become a priest. He felt that he could never risk placing himself again in a position to deal with profound personal loss, especially at the human level.

While he had the capacity to show great feeling for all, he found the need for personal detachment that familial love would not allow.

Perhaps that is a definition of love, the willingness to commit yourself to the maximum degree, knowing full well that the greater the attachment, the more devastating the loss to which we expose ourselves.

It kind of reminds me of the teacher/coach role, in which we could be “cool” in hearing the worst from and about our students, while “uncool” moms and dads freaked out over the same information. Like the priest, we could be loving and caring, yet somewhat detached, not having the proverbial “dog in the fight.”

In the 1960s, a favorite mantra was “if it feels good, do it.” In a few years that philosophy morphed into “if it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.”

A natural progression of this philosophy is to quit on personal relationships.

As a coach I tried very hard to hammer home the concept of not quitting. While the pluses of this characteristic are obvious from the standpoint of competitive athletics, the real good served by abandoning the “stop doing it when it no longer feels good” attitude comes in the years of adulthood.

At best, team sports are really just a microcosm of life. I preached that quitting is a habit.

Every time the going gets rough and you bail out, the next opportunity to quit is easier. If you quit on your teammates, why wouldn’t you quit on your spouse, your children, your job, and your commitment in whatever aspect of life?

Again, maybe that is part of a definition of love, a commitment that transcends the tough going, those bumps in the road we all travel.

It seems one of the roadblocks to defining love is the aberration the entertainment world provides for us.

In a short story titled “Christmas Every Day,” German author Heinrich Boll tells the story of a family torn asunder by the madness of one member.

The constant pounding of the allied bombings drives a beloved aunt to insanity. The only way the woman can be soothed is by literally celebrating Christmas each day of the year.

Ultimately, the bizarre tableau provided for the aunt drives the whole family batty. Some members leave, others become angry and depressed, all are totally turned off by all things Christmas.

I believe the concept of love as presented by much of modern entertainment is a form of “Christmas Every Day.” The more we accept infidelity and the disparagement of parents and authority figures as normal, the more likely it is that this way of living becomes the standard of the day. In my estimation, love plays little or no role in this standard.

It’s great that we set aside a time to celebrate love. We have far too little love in the world today. I just hope that as we celebrate this month, we have a good idea of what we are celebrating.

My favorite description of love, especially romantic love, appears in a quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, author of the classic “The Little Prince.” He stated, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

In this month dedicated to love, these words ring true for me.

Freelance writer Bruce W. Burns, a retired teacher and coach, lives in Marysville. He can be contacted at crookedelbow1@msn.com.