How to build satisfactory furniture: Insert plank (a) in shelf (c)

Published 1:25 pm Friday, June 19, 2009

Thank you for your SVEN flat-packed Scandinavian furniture purchase. Please follow these simple instructions very carefully to ensure a satisfactory result.

Please note that SVEN cannot be held responsible for fire, dismemberment or marital strain incurred by the disregard of these instructions.

First, take an inventory of the included parts and pieces. You should have six boards, four planks, eight shelves, three wheels, two-dozen screws, six-dozen nails, 18 unusual fasteners of a proprietary nature and a SVEN tool.

In addition, you will need a screwdriver, hammer, wrench, power drill, hot glue gun and soldering iron. If these items are unavailable, your furniture may be constructed using nothing but your SVEN tool. This may, however, cause an unsatisfactory result.

We will now begin constructing your furniture.

Align plank (a) with shelf (c) and fasten along the predrilled holes as illustrated. If you are unable to locate the predrilled holes, you may be holding plank (c) to shelf (a).

At this time, we feel it is important to emphasize a key aspect of SVEN furniture construction. Due to the surprisingly low cost of our stylish furnishings, one may be led to believe that mistakes are likely in the manufacture. This is not the case.

Please bear in mind that your purchase was crafted to the highest of Scandinavian quality standards. If an error is suspected, it is infinitely more likely to be an error committed by the purchaser rather than the manufacturer.

Once you have accidentally forced plank (c) into shelf (a), the pieces may be removed through careful prying with the SVEN tool. Remember to pry gently, as our high-quality compressed-cardboard materials may splinter under excessive force.

Once your planks and shelves have been adequately adjoined, apply each board carefully along the notches indicated in figure 13. Each board may be tapped into place with a hammer, balled fist or carefully aimed Birkenstock.

You are now ready to turn your furniture upright. Any instability or rocking may be a result of loose screws, improperly aligned pieces or missed steps. Some instability or rocking may be an added feature of your particular purchase. The enclosed SVEN matchbooks may be used for leveling purposes.

Using your remaining screws, fasten the handles to the door.

Your SVEN furniture is now complete and ready to be enjoyed. Please review the weight limits for your purchase to ensure overall structural integrity.

Should you arrive at an unsatisfactory result, please return your purchase to the nearest SVEN store. Please note that all returns must be placed in their original packaging with all parts included.

We, of course, recognize that returning your monstrosity to its original packaging is an impossibility. We’re Scandinavian, not stupid.