Before you say ‘I do,’ be clear about what you owe

  • By Michelle Singletary
  • Thursday, August 14, 2014 1:18pm
  • Business

There are times when you’re right but you wish you weren’t. This is one of those times.

Ten years ago, a reader wrote to me asking for advice about his relationship with his girlfriend. It was near Valentine’s Day, and he wanted to ask her to marry him. But he had major reservations about how she managed her money.

“I plan to propose to my girlfriend of a year and a half,” he wrote at the time. “Her spending habits are outrageous. She justifies (the spending) by saying she works two jobs and bargain-shops. She has more than 400 pairs of shoes, some she’s not even worn, and clothing falls in the same category. There is almost no room left in her home. I am the frugal one in the relationship, and I hope it’s beginning to sink in that she can’t spend the way she’s done in the past.”

He asked for my help. “What can I do to help her curb her spending habits without making her feel bad or as though I am putting her down?”

I told him to hold off on the engagement. He had a lot of work to do before hitching his life to someone he was concerned had financial issues, and in particular to a partner not willing to acknowledge she might have a spending problem.

“Realize the two of you are a classic case of money opposites attracting,” I answered. “This isn’t unusual. But having different spending styles that aren’t worked out can cause serious conflicts in a marriage. The important thing is to exchange your views about money before you exchange wedding vows.”

I laid out several specific things he needed to do before proposing. I recommended that the couple discuss their expectations. He should express his concerns. But I cautioned that the conversation shouldn’t just be about her spending. Otherwise, things might get confrontational. She might become defensive. And frugality isn’t always good if the penny pincher is too critical or judgmental of a spouse’s different money style.

I suggested that they pull their credit reports and share them with each other. Same for their credit scores. You can get free copies of your credit reports every 12 months from annualcreditreport.com. You have to pay for the credit scores, but it’s worth the money to check each other’s creditworthiness.

I suggested that they seek professional help from a credit counselor who could provide information about budgeting and money management. I even gave him the contact information to find a counselor — www.debtadvice.org or call 800-388-2227. Still the same site and number, should you be in a similar situation.

I ended with this warning: “You’re right to be concerned. It’s vital that you address your financial differences before you get married. After all, love does not conquer all, because it can’t pay the bills.”

Fast-forward to this month and I get another email from the same guy. He didn’t do any of the things I suggested.

“Your column that February 8th was spot on and, although I read it, I didn’t follow it,” he wrote. “Thus here I am on the brink of financial ruin and a failed marriage.”

Sometime after the wedding, he discovered his wife owed $30,000 to the Internal Revenue Service. “While I already had one mortgage, I took out a second (mortgage) in order to pay off her tax debt. Had I asked all the pertinent questions early on, I would have also discovered (another) $15,000 tax bill from the city.”

Earlier this year, just in time for Valentine’s Day, the National Endowment for Financial Education released a survey that found 13 percent of couples who have combined finances have deceived their partners by lying about such things as the amount of debt that they owe or how much they earn.

Things have not gone well for the couple in part because of the lack of financial disclosure.

“Here we are 10 years later,” he wrote. “The home I purchased, I now stand a good chance of losing by not asking all the right questions. I’ve put my financial health in a dismal, near-death state. This is not a good feeling, as I now also have a young child at home. Hopefully, I will be able to save my home to the point where it can just be sold and I can begin to stop the bloodletting of my financial woes, and prepare for my retirement (53 years old) and her schooling.”

It may not be too late to get help and save his marriage.

Nonetheless, the reader wanted to warn others. He ended his update with this: “It’s my hope that others don’t fall into the same mishap I’ve put myself into.”

Michelle Singletary: michelle.singletary@washpost.com.

Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Business

A closing sign hangs above the entrance of the Big Lots at Evergreen and Madison on Monday, July 22, 2024, in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Big Lots announces it will shutter Everett and Lynnwood stores

The Marysville store will remain open for now. The retailer reported declining sales in the first quarter of the year.

George Montemor poses for a photo in front of his office in Lynnwood, Washington on Tuesday, July 30, 2024.  (Annie Barker / The Herald)
Despite high mortgage rates, Snohomish County home market still competitive

Snohomish County homes priced from $550K to $850K are pulling in multiple offers and selling quickly.

Henry M. Jackson High School’s robotic team, Jack in the Bot, shake hands at the 2024 Indiana Robotics Invitational.(Henry M. Jackson High School)
Mill Creek robotics team — Jack in the Bot — wins big

Henry M. Jackson High School students took first place at the Indiana Robotic Invitational for the second year in a row.

The computer science and robotics and artificial intelligence department faculty includes (left to right) faculty department head Allison Obourn; Dean Carey Schroyer; Ishaani Priyadarshini; ROBAI department head Sirine Maalej and Charlene Lugli. PHOTO: Arutyun Sargsyan / Edmonds College.
Edmonds College to offer 2 new four-year degree programs

The college is accepting applications for bachelor programs in computer science as well as robotics and artificial intelligence.

FILE — Boeing 737 MAX8 airplanes on the assembly line at the Boeing plant in Renton, Wash., on March 27, 2019. Boeing said on Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2024, that it was shaking up the leadership in its commercial airplanes unit after a harrowing incident last month during which a piece fell off a 737 Max 9 jet in flight. (Ruth Fremson/The New York Times)
Federal judge rejects Boeing’s guilty plea related to 737 Max crashes

The plea agreement included a fine of up to $487 million and three years of probation.

Neetha Hsu practices a command with Marley, left, and Andie Holsten practices with Oshie, right, during a puppy training class at The Everett Zoom Room in Everett, Washington on Wednesday, July 3, 2024. (Annie Barker / The Herald)
Tricks of the trade: New Everett dog training gym is a people-pleaser

Everett Zoom Room offers training for puppies, dogs and their owners: “We don’t train dogs, we train the people who love them.”

Andy Bronson/ The Herald 

Everett mayor Ray Stephenson looks over the city on Tuesday, Jan. 5, 2015 in Everett, Wa. Stephanson sees  Utah’s “housing first” model – dealing with homelessness first before tackling related issues – is one Everett and Snohomish County should adopt.

Local:issuesStephanson

Shot on: 1/5/16
Economic Alliance taps former Everett mayor as CEO

Ray Stephanson will serve as the interim leader of the Snohomish County group.

Molbak's Garden + Home in Woodinville, Washington will close on Jan. 28. (Photo courtesy of Molbak's)
After tumultuous year, Molbak’s is being demolished in Woodinville

The beloved garden store closed in January. And a fundraising initiative to revitalize the space fell short.

Everett Mayor Cassie Franklin, Advanced Manufacturing Skills Center executive director Larry Cluphf, Boeing Director of manufacturing and safety Cameron Myers, Edmonds College President Amit Singh, U.S. Rep. Rick Larsen, and Snohomish County Executive Dave Somers participate in a ribbon-cutting ceremony on Tuesday, July 2 celebrating the opening of a new fuselage training lab at Paine Field. Credit: Arutyun Sargsyan / Edmonds College
‘Magic happens’: Paine Field aerospace center dedicates new hands-on lab

Last month, Edmonds College officials cut the ribbon on a new training lab — a section of a 12-ton Boeing 767 tanker.

Gov. Jay Inslee presents CEO Fredrik Hellstrom with the Swedish flag during a grand opening ceremony for Sweden-based Echandia on Tuesday, July 30, 2024, in Marysville, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Swedish battery maker opens first U.S. facility in Marysville

Echandia’s marine battery systems power everything from tug boats to passenger and car ferries.

Helion Energy CEO and co-founder David Kirtley talks to Governor Jay Inslee about Trenta, Helion’s 6th fusion prototype, during a tour of their facility on Tuesday, July 9, 2024 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
State grants Everett-based Helion a fusion energy license

The permit allows Helion to use radioactive materials to operate the company’s fusion generator.

People walk past the new J.sweets storefront in Alderwood Mall on Thursday, July 25, 2024, in Lynnwood, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
New Japanese-style sweets shop to open in Lynnwood

J. Sweets, offering traditional Japanese and western style treats opens, could open by early August at the Alderwood mall.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.