When Valentine’s Day comes around, I usually have love and money on my mind.
I wonder why couples who profess to be so much in love have so many arguments over money.
I know what the experts say. It’s not about the money. Couples have financial fights because they have "issues."
Perhaps your honey was overindulged as a child. Now he or she feels entitled to the best this world has to offer, regardless of whether there’s enough money to pay for it all.
Or maybe your sweetie grew up not having much of anything, and now worries about having enough money all the time. The result is she’s so frustratingly frugal that when she pinches a penny, it gets dented.
Considering how often couples have disputes about money, I was actually surprised to find out that most couples make lots of shared purchase decisions, especially about big-ticket items.
According to a recent survey by RoperASW, a national marketing and research company, an overwhelming majority of married men and women say that financial decisions about vacations, savings, investments and cars are largely joint ones with equal input from both spouses.
If you handle your purchasing decisions this way, good for you. That’s how it should be. To do otherwise is to create problems.
For example, let’s say your husband decides he wants a gas-guzzling luxury car that will end up costing $700 a month for five years. Such a hefty car note may mean he needs to work overtime or get a second job. Now tell me how that decision won’t affect the family and therefore should have been jointly decided.
If major money is going to be spent, each person in the partnership should have input. In fact, you might try this. In my house, we have a buying rule. To make a purchase, both of us must vote in the affirmative. If either one of us says no, the deal is dead.
I’ll admit this rule does have its down side. Walls can go unpainted for a long time because we can’t agree on a color. It takes almost a Geneva-type summit to buy furniture or select a carpet. But the result is that nobody is bullied into buying something they don’t want or feel would be a huge money mistake.
Even if you keep your finances separate (which I don’t believe you should do), major and minor purchases should be discussed.
Interestingly, the RoperASW survey found that when it comes to everyday purchases such as food, cleaning products, personal care items and over-the-counter drugs, women usually decide what and how much to buy.
"This means more of the burden of the day-to-day running of the household falls to women, even as more and more women are working," said Ed Keller, CEO for RoperASW.
Minor purchases can cause mighty big arguments. That’s because small-ticket items add up to large sums of money and are one the biggest budget busters, said Catherine Williams, vice president of financial literacy for Money Management International, a consumer credit counseling service.
"I often hear couples argue over whose budget is this coming out of," Williams said. "That’s why families need to set up a system for purchasing everyday items."
I can’t tell you how many husbands I’ve heard complaining because their wives spend too much money on clothes for the children. Or that every time they turn around, there are new kitchen appliances or household furnishings.
And then there are the wives who complain that their husbands spend too much on computer software or other small electronic gadgets.
When it comes to minor purchases, I don’t mean you have to call your husband from the grocery store and ask which brand of peanut butter you should buy (although in my house I prefer creamy, my husband chunky). For small things, it’s just important you agree on how much you will spend in each expense category.
"All too often, being careful about the big things makes us feel as if we can afford to forget about the little things," writes David Bach in his best-selling book "Smart Couples Finish Rich."
Bach’s book (which would make a great valentine’s gift, by the way) encourages couples to talk about the amount of money they spend on small purchases, which can get in the way of building real wealth.
You know what that means. Yes, creating a budget.
And don’t roll your eyes. Budget is not a bad word. It’s an essential tool for everyone, most importantly couples. You don’t have to come up with an elaborate spreadsheet. If nothing else, you should have price guidelines for major and minor purchases.
RoperASW conducted its survey to help retailers tailor their marketing campaigns. But I think married consumers can use the survey results as a reminder that when it comes to your money, you have got to sweat the small stuff.
(c) Washington Post Writers Group
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