It’s never too early to plan for the care of elderly parents

I always told my grandmother, Big Mama, that I would take care of her in her old age. After all, she took me in at the age of 4 and raised me as if I were her own child.

I’ll be honest, however. I would have had a tough time helping with her financial affairs.

"My business ain’t none of your business," Big Mama would say anytime I tried to broach the subject with her. "You’ll know everything you need to know when I die."

My grandmother, who died at age 82 before I had to fulfill my promise, was right about a lot of things. But she was wrong not to share key financial information. I needed to know what was going on with her money in case she lived past the time she could manage it alone.

At least I tried.

Many potential caregivers never even make the effort until a health crisis with their parents forces the issue.

In fact, one recent poll conducted by Harris Interactive found that 46 percent of the adults surveyed said they had not taken any action to plan for care or companionship for an elderly relative, even though they believe they will have to start providing it within the next five years.

Seventy-six percent of those surveyed had not spoken with other family members about this topic, and 70 percent had not directly spoken with the elderly relative who may need care to see what his or her wishes will be. The survey was conducted on behalf of Home Instead Senior Care, an Omaha-based company that provides non-medical home care services for the elderly.

But what should you do if the person who needs the care won’t talk to you about their finances?

Keep trying.

That’s what Dan Morrison, 47, did. Morrison, who lives in Monroe, is now caring for his 68-year-old mother and his 66-year-old stepfather, both of whom are disabled.

"I made an abject pest of myself for two years to both of them until the day we sat in the lobby of their credit union with their attorney and put the finishing touches on their wills, durable powers of attorney, community property agreement and health care directives," Morrison wrote to me. "Then and only then did I feel armed to correctly and legally manage their affairs, or at least the ones they couldn’t."

To help you with this all-important financial discussion, I asked the experts at AARP for some tips. Here’s what they offered:

Talk early and talk often. "Of all the areas of discussion in caregiving, talking about finances is the most difficult," said Elinor Ginzler, AARP’s manager for independent living and long-term care. Here’s a conversation opener that Ginzler recommends: "You could say, ‘Mom, Dad or Grandma … if it comes to a point in time that you need assistance, it’s my job to take care of you in the way you want, and the only way I can do that is for you to share with me." Maybe this tactic will work, maybe not. But be persistent nonetheless.

Offer a helping hand rather than a heavy-handed approach to your parents’ finances. Respect how your parents want to handle their money, said Mary Jo Gibson, senior policy adviser with AARP’s Public Policy Institute. For example, you may pay your bills once a month, but if your elderly father wants to pay bills the day they arrive in the mail, let him have it his way. Remember, your job is to be a consultant, not a dictator. Of course, there may come a time when you have to take control completely, Gibson said, but until then be mindful of your parents’ need to remain independent and in control of their money.

Get help if you need it. There is a growing network of professionals who can assist you in managing your parents’ care. AARP is a good place to find information about such services. Go to www.aarp.org, click on Care and Family, then click on the link for caregiving. There’s also the Eldercare Locator (www.eldercare.gov, or 800-677-1116). This is a nationwide service set up by U.S. Administration on Aging that connects seniors and their caregivers with public and private services.

Ginzler also recommends the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers at www.caremanager.org or 520-881-8008. This is a nonprofit organization that provides referrals to licensed professionals, primarily social workers and nurses, who work with families who need assistance with caregiving. These managers can review financial, legal, or medical issues and offer referrals to other more appropriate professionals. This service is particularly helpful for long-distance caregivers.

Finally, I think Morrison said it best when I asked him why it is important to communicate with your parents about their finances before a crisis hits. He said: "Maintenance is always cheaper than the cleanup."

(c) Washington Post Writers Group