Oh, how complicated things can get when you mix money and family matters.
I’d like to explore the dynamics of family money based on several questions I recently received during my regular online chat on www.washingtonpost.com.
First, let’s look at how some parents think that their adult children should be their caretakers for life.
Here is one such case: A 24-year-old college graduate, who lived at home while going to school, is now living on his own but nonetheless is expected to pay his parents several hundred dollars a month to help with household expenses. And by the way, the parents didn’t finance the college education; the student did, by taking out loans.
“I do feel like I owe them a lot (they are wonderful parents) but even $400 to $500 a month is a lot for me right now,” this person wrote.
“My student loan payments are more than that, and I am living in my own apartment. They say I should just move home and pay them rent if I can’t afford both my apartment and helping them.”
In many cultures, adult children are expected to take care of not just their parents but extended family members. Often it was these relatives who pooled their money to help younger family members get college degrees or start businesses. If there is such a tradition in your family, then yes, you should do what you can to pay your fair share when you begin to work.
Under these circumstances, the family bank needs to be replenished to help the next relative.
However, that’s not the case in the situation I just mentioned. I’m often asked to comment on situations in which parents are banking on living off their offspring because they can’t be bothered with managing their own finances.
As parents, you are supposed to take care of your children. You don’t get any brownie points for doing your job. I understand that some parents sacrifice to make a better life for their children. But that sacrifice should not be used as a bargaining chip or entitlement to the future earnings of your children.
That said, I certainly believe that family members should help each other out. I financially supported a disabled brother for more than a decade and would have continued to take care of him had he not died at the age of 32. I was so grateful that my grandmother raised me that I sent money home to her – even while I was in college. But she would have never demanded that I give her money in exchange for raising me.
In other words, help when and if you can, but don’t feel obligated to support parents who are acting like spoiled children themselves.
Now, how do you deal with a parent who has done all the right things financially and feels the need to analyze every aspect of your budget?
“This is a constant argument between me and my father who grew up with limited income during the Depression,” wrote one reader. “Last month I took a spur of the moment weekend trip to San Diego. My father gave me endless grief since I hadn’t ‘budgeted’ for the trip. But I feel as long I know where the money’s going and essentials are covered, it doesn’t matter what I spend the rest on. Do I need to account for every expense?”
Mind you, this person has a balanced budget with 25 percent going into savings and an additional 15 percent that is used to invest.
This comes under the category of keep your business to yourself. You do not need to account to your parents for your financial actions or expenses. In fact, don’t discuss your budget or financial issues with your mama, daddy, cousins or co-workers unless they have information you need to help make a financial decision.
So how do you handle nosy money questions from a parent?
You say, “I really appreciate your interest in my financial well-being, but I like to keep my finances private. I do hope you understand. Love ya!”
Finally, what if you ignore the good advice you get from a parent? In one case a reader was warned by her late mother not to move in with her sister. The sisters already had a difficult relationship.
“I am allowing my sister to live with my husband and me,” she wrote.
“We don’t have a written agreement. How do I express to her that we aren’t taking money to get rich? All of the money we receive from her goes towards the mortgage, groceries, etc.”
First, sit down with the sister and work out a rental agreement. You can order residential lease forms from www.uslegalforms.com. To download a form tailored to your state will cost $18. A hard copy is $20.
And if a grown woman doesn’t understand that it costs money to put a roof over her head and food in her stomach, sister girl (because she’s acting like a child) would only live with me for as little time as it took for her to save up enough money to move out on her own.
Washington Post Writers Group
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