Moving back home doesn’t have to be traumatic

In his poem “Death of the Hired Man,” Robert Frost wrote: “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”

I’m sure that many of the 18 million 18- to 35-year-olds the U.S. Census Bureau says are living at home with their parents certainly can attest to that poetic truth.

Increasingly, because of a job loss, divorce, high student loan debt, credit card debt or just life, adults are returning home to mommy and daddy for financial and/or psychological refuge.

If you’re a boomerang adult, how do you cope with living with a parent or parents again? What if your parents let you back in begrudgingly? When you move home, should you pay rent?

Are you a failure if you have to go back home?

If you’re struggling with such questions, you need to read the Color of Money Book Club selection for May, “Boomerang Nation: How to Survive Living With Your Parents … the Second Time Around” (Fireside, May 2005, $14) by Elina Furman.

Furman is an authority on this issue if for no other reason than she’s been there and done that. After college, Furman moved in with her mother and older sister and there she stayed for all of her 20s.

“With no job and no desire to learn the art of making mocha lattes at the local Starbucks, I moved back to my family home,” Furman writes. “With all the goalposts of adulthood – housing, economic independence, employment, completion of education – getting harder and harder to achieve, it’s not surprising that so many of us are choosing to turn back instead of run ahead.”

Furman says she wrote the book to help those moving back home to eradicate the notion that there is something wrong with them.

The book is part therapy, part basic financial planning. Furman has packed a lot of information in the 213-page softcover book. She addresses just about every issue that can come up with going back home (or never leaving) – depression, guilt, dating, having to live in your old bedroom or the basement, being treated like a child again, acting like you’re a child.

She uses personal testimonies from adults who moved back home. She uses lists to get her points across. For example, there is “The Last Supper: Top 10 Things You Should Do Before Boomeranging.”

There are quizzes such as the “Are You Ready to Boomerang?”

Furman says it might be time to go home if:

* You wake up in a sweat from nightmares of credit-card and school-loan hell at least once a week.

* You have big goals for the future (buying a house, saving for retirement, attending graduate school, starting a small business), but you have no idea how you will accomplish these things living on your own.

* You’ve been hit hard by a series of harsh life events and need time out to regroup.

With humor and lots of common sense, Furman helps those who have boomeranged back home navigate this tricky territory. For instance, how do you deal with the touchy (pun intended) subject of telling your date you live at home?

“You can point to all the boomeranger statistics you want,” Furman writes. “You can talk about the high unemployment rate and the failing economy until you turn blue in the face. But no matter what you say, it’s tough to get out those five little words – “I live with my parents” – when your sex life is on the line.”

I particularly like the “Ka-Ching! Minding Your Money” section. One of the top reasons people move home is to save for a home or graduate school or to pay down debt. But that often doesn’t happen. Without the responsibility of paying rent or utilities or other household expenses, many boomerangers have more discretionary income than they’re used to and as a result go hog wild recklessly spending when they should be saving.

Furman aptly lays out some basic strategies to help people stay on financial track.

“Once you make the decision to return to the nest, it’s important to make good use of your time there. After all, isn’t this relatively financially stress-free period the best time to deal with your money issues?

Whatever the reason you moved back home, “Boomerang Nation” provides some honest and humorous advice on dealing with the challenges of going home again.

Washington Post Writers Group