This Mother’s Day, give Mom what she really wants, a fancy kitchen gadget she will probably only use a few times. She doesn’t have room to store it in her cupboards, but that’s not your problem, so don’t worry about it.
Not sure what to buy? You’re in luck! I’ve tried them all, because whenever I see an infomercial, I whip out my credit card.
Juicer: Brag to your friends about your healthy new juicing habit. A fresh glass of apple-spinach-carrot juice only takes one minute to make, and 15 minutes to clean up afterward. OK, 20 minutes if you wash off the kitchen window. You’ll feel satisfied knowing you spent $10 on six ounces of juice, plus you’ll have half a pound of leftover pulp for your compost bin. Throwing food away will confirm your citizenship in America.
Bread machine: Time warp back to the early 1990s and fill your house with the warm scent of home-baked bread. Relive the days of a low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet. A 400-calorie slice of cinnamon toast makes the perfect snack, especially when you slather on another 100 calories of fat-free jam. The loaf comes in a rectangular lump that will look beautiful on your dining room table.
Food dehydrator: Hot, dried bananas fresh from the rack are Mother Nature’s candy. You too can enjoy them after 12 hours of listening to fan noise. You didn’t want to hear what your family was saying at the dinner table, right? Or listen to yourself think? Speak louder! The jerky still has 18 hours to go!
Mandolin slicer: Broaden your horizons by slicing off your fingertip. Discover first-hand (sorry, bad pun), what the wait time is like at your local emergency room. Sure, you could buy potato chips like the masses, but making them yourself is a thrilling adventure for anyone who loves horror.
Carbonated soda maker: Stay hydrated, lose weight, and make your own soda water at home. Does opening a can of soda freak you out? Fear not! Your homemade soda won’t have nearly as much carbonation. It will be a cross between slightly fizzy and flat. Add a squirt of citrus juice and it will be refreshingly different, like tap water with an orange floating in it.
The most confusing coffeemaker ever: Part grinder, part coffeemaker, this monolith of caffeine has six different parts to wash and assemble. Sharpen your mental acuity by hunting for the pieces every morning. Surprise your family with the whirring of the grinder. Nothing says “Wake up!” like helicopter noise.
Spiralizer: You know what’s been missing from your life? Squash. While your whole family eats hot, normal, wheat-based spaghetti, you’ll experience the faux alternative. Spaghetti sauce on zucchini noodles taste like … spaghetti sauce on zucchini. You’re welcome!
With so many fascinating appliances to choose from, it’s a wonder that Mom has any counter space left to prepare meals. That’s your clue to take her out to dinner!
Jennifer Bardsley is author of the books “Genesis Girl” and “Damaged Goods.” Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, on Twitter @jennbardsley or on Facebook as The YA Gal.
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