I have a confession: I hate mung beans.
Oh I’ve never tasted them … at least not knowingly. But in my mind they taste like a cross between mushrooms and dung beetles.
What do I like to eat? Oh, I don’t know, how about steak, salmon, pasta, nachos, Reuben sandwiches, omelets, beer, scotch, coffee and basically anything that comes from what Homer Simpson would call that “wonderful, magical animal.”
That’s my diet. But what else would you expect from a guy who works in the sports department and considers a vegan diet akin to Communism.
So why am I telling you this? Because I’ve decided to go on an Elimination Diet. Well, “decided” is a strong word. Because of some health issues, my wife is going on an Elimination Diet she was recommended and I’ve agreed to lovingly support her by joining her on this month-long adventure. She’d tell you that it’s because she shops for the food and makes all the meals in the house. The fact that my last doctor’s visit went eerily similar to this didn’t hurt.
An Elimination Diet is used to try and pinpoint what foods you might be allergic to by eliminating nearly all of them and adding them in one at a time. At first blush the roster of foods looks like the shopping list of a picky vegan. But it’s not that bad … it’s much worse. No beer or coffee to start, which kills about 90 percent of the liquids I put in my body throughout the day. Anything with gluten and all meats are forbidden in Phase 1, leaving all the veggies and fruits — except all the good ones — to enjoy in the first nine days.
There are smoothies. In fact veggie slurries — my wife laughingly referred to them as the runoff from our garbage disposal — are all you can eat for the first two days. Bottoms up!
And let’s not even mention how much this is going to cost me. My wife recently brought home $175 worth of groceries in just two bags and they weren’t even full! I’ve brought home bigger bags of food from Wendy’s!
For the next 28 days I’ll keep a journal of my anguish and I’ll update you on this blog once a week. I’ll be trying all kinds of new foods like quinoa, teff and amaranth, which is called the grain from antiquity. What? Then there’s the Popeye Special, or smoothies in which spinach is the main ingredient.
Oh, I can’t wait for tomorrow.
I do know one thing. I’m drawing the line at mung beans.
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