When it comes to the Worst Movie of the Year race, “Alone in the Dark” has drawn a line in the sand, planted its feet and announced to the world, “Not without a fight.” This is an abysmal movie.
The film is so badly directed and acted, it would be kind of fun to laugh at, were it not for its roots in a video game. This means the first half of the movie, in which people talk, is hilariously awful, but the second half apes the grueling shoot-shoot-shoot rhythm of a video game.
Yes indeed, that’s my idea of entertainment. Pay nine bucks to sit there and watch a video game onscreen, a video game you don’t even interact with.
The movie stars Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. That marquee trifecta qualifies as a perfect storm of B-movie cheese. They do not disappoint.
Slater plays a “paranormal investigator,” a guy who escaped from an orphanage where experiments were performed on the children. Later, he was hired by a secret government organization involved in the study of voodoo from outer space, or something.
The uncovering of different ancient artifacts has triggered a zombie-like reaction in the former orphanage subjects, except Slater. He gets together with an archaeologist, played by Tara Reid. (Stop laughing. I like totally bought her as an archaeologist, especially with her glasses on.)
Dorff intrudes as a commando in the secret government group. Together, they head for an abandoned gold mine, hidden somewhere in the tedious British Columbia locations, to unlock the ancient passageway to monsters.
There’s a lot of amazing stray information flying around in this movie. And yet, despite an opening explanatory crawl that goes on longer than most credit sequences, the story makes no sense.
For instance, the orphanage survivors were implanted with some kind of device in their spines. I don’t know why. However, I found it interesting that Slater “was electrocuted as a child” and that’s why his implant doesn’t function and turn him into a zombie. Talk about making lemonade from lemons.
There’s a great dumb sequence aboard a salvage ship, which has just pulled up a gold-plated coffin from the deep. The evil professor warns against opening the crate and unleashing a monster, but you just can’t find good help at sea these days.
“Alone in the Dark” also contains one of the most perfunctory sex scenes in the history of movies. Ms. Reid can barely be bothered to take off her shirt (but not her bra), thus bravely acting against her public image.
The director is Uwe Boll, who did the equally crapacious “House of the Dead,” another video game movie. He is on his way to legendary status, if he ever gets the chance to direct again.
“Alone in the Dark” H
Awful: Abysmal movie based on a video game, about a paranormal investigator (Christian Slater) stumbling across an ancient curse, or something like that. Tara Reid plays an archaeologist, which defines the level of cheese.
Rated: R rating is for violence.
Now showing: tk
“Alone in the Dark” H
Awful: Abysmal movie based on a video game, about a paranormal investigator (Christian Slater) stumbling across an ancient curse, or something like that. Tara Reid plays an archaeologist, which defines the level of cheese.
Rated: R rating is for violence.
Now showing: Everett Mall, Grand, Marysville, Pacific Place, Cascade.
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