Adapted from a recent online discussion.
From the April 11, 2017, column: “My husband tries to attend all (his) nephews’ games. I have no interest in spending my weekends or weeknights attending children’s soccer matches, tennis matches or basketball games. … My husband gets upset when I refuse to go. He thinks it looks bad and he has to constantly make excuses.”
Hi, Carolyn:
You said the husband was OK with “serving priorities outside the marriage.” Why is that bad? Him pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do is unfair, but isn’t it fair of him to ask her for a reasonable amount of support for his family?
I ask with some bias. My husband would prefer to not attend family events, or social events at all. He is very shy and introverted. I’m not making him go to my best friend’s kid’s birthday party — but I want our families to be a priority in our marriage.
I have no issues supporting his family. I am even the one to reach out to his aunts, uncle, cousins, to keep in touch.
So, what does “prioritizing the marriage” mean when two people want different things?
— Priorities
His “pressuring her” is an unfairness you can’t just “but … ” away; it’s the crux of their issue. These aren’t their kids and he goes to every game. He gets upset when she doesn’t go with him.
That means:
He thinks duty to his family of origin is the proper focus of their marriage! Without her agreeing to that. We can stop right there in the “nope” count.
He thinks he gets to decide how she uses her leisure time! What??
He doesn’t back her around his family! “Wifey loves you guys, but sports, not so much.” Done. But he hasn’t done it. Because he thinks she’s wrong not to burn hours on something that doesn’t interest her in the least. So he’s making excuses for her and treating it as her fault that he has to do that. Wow.
Couples in healthy marriages prioritize each other. When they want two different things — totally normal! — they talk their way to some respect-based understanding that X is your thing, Y is mine, so let’s devote Z amount of time to each other so we don’t spend all of our free time apart.
AND they back each other when someone else asks, Hey, why isn’t Spousie here?
You read that column through your own lens of frustration, mistaking an orange for an apple.
Stick to the details of your own marriage. (1) You married someone who isn’t social. (2) You want to be social.
That’s your obstacle. So, talk to your husband. “It bothers me that you don’t spend time with my family.” And specify what you want: “I know you don’t like it. But would you meet me halfway?”
See if he’ll strike a deal on how much you can push him out of his comfort zone and how much he’ll leave it willingly. And if you can’t find a point of comfortable agreement, then, decision time: Accept the marriage you have versus the marriage you hoped for, or leave it.
You gathered your information, and chose to marry him. Now you want to change him into someone he never was? So not fair.
© 2017, Washington Post
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