As fathers raise children they grow as leaders

So many male American leaders are fathers that few people even think about what it means. It means that children have helped shape the men who have helped shape the world.

For example, Presidents George W. Bush, Clinton, George Bush, Reagan, Ford, Carter, Nixon, Johnson and Kennedy account for the last 45 years of national leaders. Their roles as fathers were crucial parts of their lives as men and roles as leaders.

Each man was shaped to some degree by being a father and, more than likely, each was a better man and leader than he would have been otherwise.

Deaconess Children’s Services is sponsoring a Father of the Year program to honor fathers who are making a selfless commitment to their children. Stepfathers, grandfathers and men who are an important influence in children’s lives may be nominated. Nominations will be accepted until July 15. Forms are available at www.deaconesschildren.org; by writing to Deaconess Children’s Services, 4708 Dogwood Drive, P.O. Box 2629, Everett, WA 98213-0629; or by calling 425-259-0146.

Perhaps some better male world leaders were not fathers. No doubt, some good male leaders have not been fathers. Some fathers are not even close to being good people, let alone leaders.

But when we define fatherhood in meaningful ways, we see that being a father can increase a man’s chances of being a better person. Let’s get a few simple things out of the way on the way to defining fatherhood.

Being a father doesn’t have to be biological. One man can be a good father without having children; another can have children and not be a good father.

Being a good father can be largely learned, and it can be improved with study and practice.

Being a father is a male thing. Women can be really good mothers, but they aren’t fathers

Getting closer to a definition, fathering calls on men to make long-term commitments to the welfare of another person.

The early part of a good father’s commitment to this other person is usually made sight unseen. There’s no test drive, money back guarantee nor warranty.

Much of a father’s early commitment is a leap of faith often made with more ignorance than information.

Being a good father calls on men to change the ways they see themselves in order to include another person. That change makes them bigger people than they were before and it goes on throughout parenthood.

Every developmental stage children go through gives fathers a chance to learn something they missed before as well as something entirely new. Having children requires men to let go of old learning. They must learn, unlearn and learn anew.

Being good fathers makes men vulnerable. Loving other people in the I-surrender-my-heart-to-you way that good fathers do it makes men vulnerable – vulnerable to feeling loss, for one thing.

It also leaves them vulnerable to the judgments and opinions of others. For many fathers, those other people are people they love and need, the children’s mothers. There is no greater socializing force for men than caring for their children in the presence of the children’s mothers.

Making a commitment to becoming a good father is often a man’s silent promise to negotiate many things that he would rather control. Researchers for the landmark book about men, “Adaptations to Life,” concluded that many reached their best as professional managers after successfully raising a child through adolescence. Those men had learned to negotiate what cannot be controlled.

This topic came up for me because Deaconess Children’s Center is selecting a Father of the Year. It is a provocative and possibly controversial task.

I say controversial because even at the event kickoff held a couple of weeks ago, a fathers’ rights activist stood on the periphery with his protest sign. But, he was protesting something he thinks he lost.

Most good fathers are busy protecting and providing for, being engaged with and being shaped by children. They neither protest for themselves nor get noticed. The Father of the Year event is a chance for us to notice many of the good fathers in our community and be thankful for all of them.

We are each better off for their quiet leadership.

Bill France, a father of three, is a child advocate in the criminal justice system and has worked as director of clinical programs at Luther Child Center in Everett. You can send e-mail to bill@ billfrance.com.