WASHINGTON — Fractured feet did in former House majority leader Tom DeLay in his bid to make himself over from scandal-tainted pol to that nice old man who won the cheesetastic Mirrored Disco Ball on ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars.”
The rump-shaking Texas Republican resigned last Monday after he ignored the advice of show producers and a doctor in order to samba to War’s “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” while dressed in red and white stripes, a big GOP elephant across his back, with partner Cheryl Burke, who wore a backless little white-stars-on-field-of-blue number with a Democratic donkey planted on her thigh.
TV-watching experts saw the end coming on Monday, when he played his Spangly Elephant card way too early in the competition — the third week of the show’s ninth edition.
Another giveaway: the telltale “Don’t worry about me, I’m OK — did I mention my feet are broken?” comments DeLay had made to the camera before, during and after Monday’s competition.
DeLay had tiptoed gingerly through the samba on Monday; he descended a short flight of stairs looking like he had gum stuck on the bottom of his shoes.
“My father drilled into me as a kid: Never ever give up!” DeLay snarled at the camera, while giving the kind of do-not-mess-with-me look that could cause House Republicans to shake in their wingtips.
His feet weren’t his only problem. Flabby butt cheeks nearly did him in — or, more accurately, nearly did in his dance partner Burke — the week before.
As Burke took her final dip during the tango, DeLay stumbled like a hippo hitting a tripwire, as Burke’s life passed in front of her.
“You’ve got to squeeze them together — sir,” judge Carrie Ann Inaba said of those cheeks.
“I don’t think historically that’s been his problem,” host Tom Bergeron snickered, creating the best cross-talk act in the history of “Dancing With the Stars.”
The first week of competition, DeLay’s rump also cost him points.
He wiggled it.
In front of the camera.
Dressed in granny pants.
While cha-cha-ing.
To the Troggs’ “Wild Thing.”
It was (sob) horrible.
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