Coming to terms with a long-distance breakup

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared in 2003.

Dear Carolyn:

My long-distance girlfriend of five years has suddenly come to the realization that I’m too “emotionally dependent” on her. Because I add to, and cannot relieve her of, other emotional burdens (her mom, sister and school are all stress factors), she has decided to break things off. She also thinks that after so many years of this relationship, I don’t understand her feelings enough (like when I get upset when she doesn’t return calls). I thought emotional dependence is part of being in a relationship. When we move to the same city (planned, soon), aren’t these problems rectifiable? I know it sounds bleak, but after all these years and an awesome relationship, now she realizes this? Is something else at work here?

— East Coast

There’s always something else at work with a rejection like that. But first, I’d like to process your remark about “emotional dependence.”

(Loud choking sobs.)

(Nose-blowing.)

Thank you.

Every rejection has wiggle room (except “I don’t love you anymore,” which pretty much quashes debate). Your ex, for example, offered a specific complaint — thereby leaving the door open for you to rebut the complaint, and replay every moment of the last five years in your head, and nurture little sprouts of hope, and argue to her in anguished midnight phone calls that you really can change even though you’re technically not any more of an emotional burden than any other boyfriend would be because boyfriends are (muffled wail) supposed to be an emotional burden.

But here’s the unspoken “something else at work” beyond a rejection like hers: You may want to fix the problem, but she doesn’t. For whatever reason, she decided there was too much bad to make the “awesome” worth saving, no matter how awesome it was.

My guess is, this decision wasn’t sudden so much as your introduction to it was. But that’s moot speculation. Regardless of how quickly she came to it, it is simply her opinion, and an opinion is not “rectifiable” unless she wants it to be — not by logic, not by history, not by proximity, and not by attempted coercion, which never works, even when it works. Let fate have this one, and let go.

Dear Carolyn:

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and a half — almost a year of it apart. We finally made what I think is a mature decision to break up until we can be together permanently in three months. We had a really difficult time communicating over the phone and often took the slightest sigh the wrong way. If we can’t communicate on the phone, will it really be any different when we’re in the same city?

— Richmond

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, except when it doesn’t — see above — which suggests absence itself isn’t germane. Contentment, however, consistently warms the heart — just as excess maintenance cools it. Forcing a relationship to last (i.e., being so afraid it won’t last that each sigh has a seismic effect) is hard work and therefore, ironically, a great way to kill a relationship. Near or far, your best chance to stay together is to make peace with the odds that you won’t.

Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.